I Could Almost Pretend He Was Taking A Nap, And This Was All A Bad Dream (Part 3)

Posted: April 28, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I rounded the corner out of the cardiac ward back into the hallway where the family waiting room was. I proceeded down the corridor. My head turned every which way, anxiously, as my heavy winter boots pounded the floor. The sound of my laces flopping echoed through the silence of the bare, white hallway. To my right, I saw doors obviously to a sectioned off ward, one door closed and one ajar. I slipped through the open door and walked straight and took the first left, a hallway. I passed a couple rooms and I desperately looked for numbers. When I cared to look up I realized the ward was set up in a circle. The reception area was in the middle of the ward. I could of walked straight once passing through the doors or turn left, it didn’t’ matter. The ward was one big circle housing maybe 20 or so individual rooms. Little desks with laptops stationed in front of each room and medicine carts and machines littered the spaces around the ward. I abandoned looking at the rooms and walked straight to the desk.   Simultaneously, I spotted room 13. Tempted to run straight to the room, I fought against those impulses and made myself speak to the lady at the desk. I gave Omar’s name and she quickly typed it into the computer. “Room 13” she said. I was already walking away before she finished her sentence. The room door was shut, and curtains covered the glass window so I couldn’t see in.  A notice was on the door, an isolation notice. A flare of panic bubbled in my chest, worried they won’t let me in to see him. But I looked at the notice and it just said masks must be worn. They made me wear one in the ER. They suspected meningitis was the cause of the seizure which is contagious and thus imposing the mask rule. Which is stupid, if you ask me. He wasn’t wearing mask. Like the thin cotton really is going to stop virus from penetrating.  Irritated, I called out not caring who answered “Where are the masks”.  Spinning around looking for the shelves usually by the rooms doors that house gowns and gloves and masks. I spotted it about the same time a nurse was responding. I dropped my bags, grabbed a mask and hastily put it on.  I could barely stop myself from bursting through the door.

It was a straight forward room. My eyes went directly to the back of the room. Window with counter space was straight in the back to the left. The middle back wall housed a wall with the monitor. To the left of the monitor was another window, with a sink and counter top. A cabinet looking thing was under it. My eyes automatically went to the monitor and then followed the wires. A male nurse was fiddling with the wires and IV lines. My eyes followed the wires to Omar’s body. Then finally, my eyes landed on his face. Breathing tube was out. Which made me breathe a sigh of relief. He was breathing on his own. He was in a hospital gown. Which made me feel better. Before at the ER, he was naked with a sheet draped over him. He appeared to be sleeping. Most importantly, he wasn’t convulsing. While I was breathing a sigh of relief at the same time my heart was restricting.
“Hi, who are you?” the nurse asked me
“The girlfriend”, I said absently. “How is he?” I asked desperately
“Sleepy.” The nurse responded with the right measure of perkiness with compassion in his voice.
“Is he okay?” I finally managed to ask.
“He was heavily medicated, he’ll come out of it.”
I wanted to ask a million questions. The seizure stopped. How it’d stop? Not that I minded it did. But what happened? My mind was racing but I couldn’t peel my eyes away from my love.
Suddenly, Omar stirred. My heart started to race. He moved his head to his right, his eyes trying to open. Blinking a couple of times, eyes glossy and glazed over, he stared blankly at his nurse.
“Babe”- I said barely a whisper.  My arms fidgeted, wanting to touch him, to hug him, to kiss him, to comfort him. But not knowing what was safe to touch, I resigned to just hovering over his bedside, hands on the bed rail. He was covered in several IV lines, heart monitor wires, blood pressure thingy on his arm, and wires I still don’t know what they were for. Omar’s head slowly moved to his left, where I was standing helplessly by his bedside. He saw me and whimpered. His machines went crazy. His heart race increased. His blood pressure went crazy. He began making whining noises. And his fingers twitched in my direction. He looked like he was struggling to move, to raise his arm to my hand resting on the bedside arm bar. But all he achieved was the twitching in his fingers.
“It’s okay baby, I’m here.” I said choking up on the words. I took hold of his hand, not caring if it was in the way or disturbing any of his IV lines. My heart was squeezing with longing and love. A smile was aching on my lips but unable to be a true full smile. Omar started making happy noises, no longer whining and panicked but more like content and satisfied and happy.
“Oh my God. Awe!!!” the nurse exclaimed. “ That was the cutest thing I ever seen! He’s so excited to see you!”
I tore my eyes away from Omar and smiled a small smile at the nurse.
At that moment, I didn’t care what was happening. My hysteria buried itself within me and something erupted inside me. I was scared. I was worried. But I was determined. Strength embraced me as Omar held my hand. It was a weak hold, more like touching. But I grasped his hand firmly. And with his touch I had resolve spread throughout my body. The fear and anxiety still there but in that moment, at that time with Omar…seeing him alive…I would do anything to help keep him that way.
“I’m____” the nurse said (I forgot his name, it’ll come back to me.)
“Will you be his nurse throughout the day?” I asked reasonably.
“Yes, let me know if you need anything” he said comfortingly.
“What’s going to happen?” I blurted.
“A doctor will be in soon. He will evaluate Omar.  I just don’t know anything else yet. They probably are going to schedule and MRI right away. Your guess is as good as mine” he honestly informed me, which I appreciated.
“Thank you.” I made myself respond politely. Vaguely reminding myself that a little manners can get you a long way and this is a predicament where that might come in handy.
“No problem. He’s going to be sleepy mostly. But let me know if needs anything.” The nurse said as he was preparing for his exit. Before exiting the room, he arranged a chair for me to sit and he opened the curtain to the glass window. He sat down directly outside the window in the little desk with the laptop stationed there.

I was alone with my love. Emotions flooded me. Questions. Concerns. Worries The beeps from the machines pounded around the room. Still holding his hand, I sank into a chair by his bedside, overwhelmed.  Pulling the chair as close to the bed as I could, I resumed holding his hand. I looked around the room then looked at the monitors. Then finally, I looked at Omar. He was breathing unsteadily. But the machines weren’t going crazy. My heart fluttered looking at him. He looked like he was sleeping. I could almost pretend he was taking a nap…and this was all a bad dream. Almost.

  1. wqueens7 says:

    I am so sorry.
    Tell me this is a flashback.
    Or a history.


    • Yes, its a flashback. Through my blog here, I’m recanting the events that happened to Omar. You”ve read the first part, ( when it rains it pours), the second part is ( my lil old polish angel), the third part is this one ( i could almost pretend).Future posts will be a continuation of the real events that happened, best to my memory. I just think doing this is therapeutic and I want Omar to have a something tangible to have and look back on once he beats cancer. I wish I had started this sooner but better late than never. I hope to continue this recanting more often and frequently.


  2. Also, part of me just want to share the experience. Maybe someone is going through the same thing too and my experience can help them. :shrug: u never know.


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