Late Night Ramblings

Posted: October 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

My  emotions are running high. Today something AWESOME happened. I was so excited and happy and relieved ( still am). But as I’m wide awake at the wee hours of the morning my mind starts to wander and I start thinking and since I  was so emotional today( even though it was good) my sensitivity level is high.

If you follow this blog( Corner of Confessions)  you know all about my father and his many health issues ( heart attack, heart infection, valve replacement open heart surgery, colon surgery and cancer treatments for the colon cancer) . Of course you know all about my fiancee and his brain cancer. If you follow my diet blog you know even more about MY emotional side of things. But here’s something you don’t know

I”m a member of  a forum website for several years now. I love all my ladies on that site and we consider ourselves a cyber family. One of these ladies had a younger sister who had childhood leukemia. She lost her battle to cancer. While i never met her, she was our little sibling sister and is now our little angel sibling. I talk to her sometimes in my prayers. It was because of her, when things are rough with the hubby and his cancer i force my emotions off. She was so strong and so happy. I just think of her and all her tribulations and i feel renewed strength course through me.

It’s amazing how someone you never personally met can affect your life and your thoughts.

Like tonight, Omar fell asleep  and i put on the TV to watch one of my shows I watch in private… Say Yes To The Dress.  After two episodes a special comes on  Say Yes to the Cure: Lori’s fight. Lori is the lady in charge of the bridal and bridesmaid floor from the show Say Yes To The Dress. She went in for a routine mammogram and they found a lump. It was deemed cancerous. She announced to the whole entire store and I found myself in tears. It was more so the impact of her announcement among her coworkers.

It makes you wonder and think who do you impact in your life? Who has an impact on your own life?

Watching Lori talk about her  situation, finding out from the doctors and all that comes along with a cancer diagnosis, it forced myself to relive Omar’s cancer diagnosis .

I remember the shock of it. We were told prior to the pathology report by his surgeon the tumor appeared to be low level and low grade…it appeared to be not malignant but not benign either so until the pathology results it will be ruled inconclusive.  So we weren’t worried or concerned and wrapped  with a blanket of ignorance and the typical naivete of a 22 year old ( me) and 24 year (Omar..three days before he turned 25) we met with his oncologist for the first time.  She had the actual report.  I got the prickly feeling in the back of my neck when she walked into the room and she was shocked to see us. Her exact words ” OH! Young people!”

She setled in and automatically changed her demeanor to what i call doctor comforting mode. She prepped us with a lecture about tumors. Then she hit us with the pathology report. It was the complete opposite of what his surgeon told us. As soon as the word ‘cancer’ came out of her mouth  my eyes instantly glazed over. I wanted to scream. I wanted to bawl. I wanted to flip a chair. Instead i sat up straighter, looked her in the eye and held my eyes open wide refusing to let the liquid from my eyes drop.  I look at Omar and he was still nonchalantly sitting in the chair. I was barely breathing looking at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Surely, he was devastated? Angry? He reached over and took my hand to comfort ME. His oncologist pressed on with the best explanation of cancerous tumors ever. She compared it to an octopus. Yes, a octopus. While there was big solid ( that we now know was cancerous) mass, she said the cancer cells embed themselves in the tissues and spread out in web, like tentacles of an octopus. So while they removed “the head” of the “octopus” they need to treat the remaining “limbs” that are not visible to the human eye and cannot be surgically removed without removing and damaging the actual brain.

That was the start of my long journey as a care-taker for my fiance. It was hard for me, and I’m the one without cancer.

There has been many many times, seeing him suffer through pains and watching his body hallow out that i wished i could of traded places with him. He would stop with whatever was racking him….mid throw up…mid body curling pain and look at me and say “No babe.” One of the first times i said this, it just came out while he was struggling to sit up in bed and he turned to me and said ” My body is just a body, it was built for abuse. Cancer can abuse it and abuse it but it(body) will never give out. MY body was built for this. years of growing up rugged and abused, it was preparation for this. I can take it.  If it was to take you, hurt you,  my spirit will crumble and I’ll be but a shell” .

He’s that type of guy. He’ll rather be punished again and again then see even the slightest of  even superficial hurt inflicted on the ones he loves.  Problem is, I’m that type too.

But with Cancer, there never is a choice.  It is never timely. Never convenient. And never, ever painless.  And just when you think things are better, you can forget , just for a little while. It pops back in your face. Luckily, this time its just my emotions getting the better of me this time, not actual illness/sickness/emergencies.

But when the hubby gave me a little lecture about me wishing I could take his pain away, it was then i decided, for the very same reason in the doctors office i refused to cry, i didn’t have the right to be upset. He shouldn’t have to COMFORT ME. He is the one with cancer. Yes, it affects me too. Of course I am upset. I worry all the time. My future and future planning is different from others my age. Of course my friends say they understand but they don’t. How can they? Especially when we don’t tell them, they dont get to SEE. The hubby rather spend every last bit of his energy to hang out and have a smile on his face than show how he truly feels ( sick). He’ll rather have one good night and  then be sick and distressed for the following days.  While he is MUCH better than before he is far from “normal” activity level and his doctors show little faith in that changing soon( i nagged, I mean asked, every time we go how we get his stamina up, the basically said in a nice way just time will fucking tell).

Point is, I’m just a passenger on his journey.He deserves the right to have his emotions. Have his fight. Be upset. Wage his war. Without having to coddle me.

The type of person he is ( with me) he’ll never let that happen fully.He is too aware of me. But, i try my hardest to be strong not only FOR ( when he needs it) but let him try to be strong for HIMSELF but also be strong  WITH him.

But most importantly, I try to be strong for Gracie, my sibling angel.

And tonight while my emotions  are running high,  I raise my head a little higher.  I’m proud of the character I not only have but retained through this all.

You see I had a job interview yesterday ( Thursday) and i got invited back for a second interview ( today , Friday). I announced to the hubby I was scared and nervous. In which he told me  ” common babe, you’ve had harder conversations in your life”  When my face remained clueless for several moments he went on to say ” with my cancer.. you did everything.. spoke to all the doctors.. all the surgeries… all the treatments… all the admin stuff. You’ve had difficult talks in your day…whats a interview in comparison?”

And he was right. So i ventured off for my second interview with a little pep in my step.

I got the job.

But then, I was sitting here and as the excitement wore off as my energy drained I started to worry. So i asked the fiancee ” do you think i can hack it in retail? In customer service”

He turns to me and says

“Don’t be a punk. Listen, I’m not a punk. Bianca is not a punk ( referring to the joke that we don’t raise no punks, its what we said about Bianca when she  got her shots she stood still and took it didn’t flinch or scream). We don’t raise no punks. Check yourself. Don’t get slapped saying stupid shit. The fuck wrong with you”

So while I was smiling cause I knew he was joking( he would never raise his hand to any woman), I still am a New Yorker and have that instantaneous reaction engrained into me when one  uses that aggressive tone of voice.

So i snapped my head  up from whatever blog i was reading at the time  and said ” Excuse me, what the fuck did you just say to me” . Over his shoulder he said “there you go” and nods approvingly at me and lays down and continues watching sports center like nothing happened.

Ah. I see what he did there.

He was ( playfully) proving to me of the grit I have by instigating my responsive nature.

By this point your probably wondering where I”m going with all this, what’s my point… Well, i got a  job. But for the past two years ( for Omar) and three years for my father I have been nothing but a care-taker.

Even Bianca is special needs and its easy to forget that.  I’ve had her for a year so she is used to me being home. Of course i go outside but its during the day time and never for long. So when i was leaving at 5pm to go to a 6pm job interview on Thursday and not returning home til 9pm… Oh she was upset. She ran around me in circles for five minutes. Then she ran around the room in circles for another few minutes. Then I held her and pet her and she finally calmed down enough I could walk her and got her to drink some water. But that night ( last night)… She reminded me of her traumatic past. She kept waking up every hour or two and jumping up on the bed to check to make sure I was still in bed. Finally at 3am she gave up sleep and curled on my pillow and was sighing all morning. At 5am i couldn’t take it anymore so I woke up and brought her downstairs. I was walking to get shoes so i could take her out for her walk so she can do her business… but before i even reached my shoes she ran down the stairs to the front door. Like she was planning not to be left behind. She did her business in record time and when i brought her back inside she calmed down again.

So when i was told “your hired’ I was ecstatic. But, the long walk out of HR through the store and then out of the mall half of my mind and heart was happy and the other half I instantly started to worry.  How will she manage with me working? How with the hubby? Will my dad burn the house down?

I haven’t told ya’ll that story. The first time in a very long time  Omar and I both went out ( non doctor outing) was in August . It was local and my friend was having a bday party so we walked over to get out of the house for a few hours. When we came home my parents almost burned the house down. Okay it wasn’t that bad. It was a small kitchen fire. But still.

So, the worry most people my age don’t have was consuming me. Cancer, you just cant pretend it isn’t there. It doesn’t go away. And when you think your past it. It has a way of popping into the forthright of your mind. Like tonight in the special coming on tv.

But, like the doctors office, I’m just going to open my eyes wide and keep trudging forward. Yes. My fiance is a stage 3 brain cancer patient. yes my dog is special needs with severe anxiety. Yes, are normal isn’t normal.

But, through it all..it’ll all be alright.

So tonight, I prayed to Gracie. And now, I have a smile on my face . Excitement renewed. I’m back to doing my little dance and singing

I HAVE A JOB!!!

Thank you, my little angel sibling.

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Comments
  1. wQueens7 says:

    Wow, great writing, good attitude & tough truths

    Like

    • Thanks for reading Stafford! I know it was a little convoluted to follow but I needed that good venting writing. Haven’t done it so long. I’m walking around today with a lighter mind and heart. I really need to dust off my paper journal. I miss writing.

      Like

  2. tfaswift says:

    Hi Corner of Confessions, wow, that was a great post. And sad, but also great, and strong and very real. I really feel for you having to leave the people (including Bianca) at home while you go off to work. I’ve been like you – at home with my adopted doggie since I had him. I never leave him alone for more than a few hours. But with life, you have to do whatever you have to do in order to survive. At least Bianca won’t be alone at home will she? Someone will be around I think? So that’s not too bad. And she’ll quickly get accustomed to the new routine. Dogs learn really fast.

    And it’s so interesting what you said about Omar kind of provoking you to show your teeth like that. My hubby does that too! He’s also Pisces. I think they like strong women. Sometimes, if I feel unhappy, I may just get kind of withdrawn and quiet and then my hubby says to me, “C’mon! Where’s my Tiger?? This isn’t you! You’re a fierce Tiger!” (And this is even if I’m upset due to *him*! LOL) He likes me to be strong and confident. Sounds like your man likes that about you too.

    I sometimes say about Pisces, that they can be a fish, or a prawn or a shark. Sounds like you have quite a shark there! 🙂 I’m sure he’ll pull through, he sounds very tough. My prayers are with you all.

    Like

    • Tilda! Always happy and excited for your response thank you for taking the time!
      Dogs are adaptive aren’t they? Bianca has adapted so much already. The boys ( my dad and Omar) will be home with her. But, its hard to turn the worry off. I guess i have to adapt too.

      Omar is the toughest of the tough but he’s what i call a gentle giant. He has a heart of gold and its the reason i fell for him 6 years ago. I saw through that hard exterior of his and saw right through to his kindness. And it was the opposite for him…he saw my heart of gold ( i wore it on my sleeve) but he saw the fierceness that lay in my heart that i didnt know was there.We got some good men by our side eh? lol.

      Like

      • tfaswift says:

        Even more synchronicity! We both met our men six years ago! 🙂 And two Pisces. We both have adopted rescue dogs … how unusual! I’ll always make time for you, my lovely friend. Yes, you may be stressed out a bit in the beginning until you adapt as well. But things will settle down into a routine as everyone (including baby Bianca) get accustomed to it. It’s not like you’re abandoning her, or giving her away, or taking her to a dog shelter. She’ll still be in her familiar home with her family. She’ll realise very quickly that you always come home. 🙂

        And I’m so happy for you that you have found your true mate. We are very lucky, yes! 🙂 I read some other blogs … there are some lonely women out there. I really feel for them. I hope they find their mate too.

        When do you start your new job?

        Like

      • dietriotgirl says:

        How awesome, we really are blogging sisters being so similar. I know! I saddens me to read those blogs especially the young ones that feel they dont have a mate out there in the world. They do. But its quite possible they passed up their mate simple because they are blinded by their own insecurities. 😦

        I don’t know when i start working yet. I just know I definitely am hired 🙂 . I was told once my background check clears ( which takes a day or two so Monday or Tuesday) they will call me to set up training which can start as early as that same week (Thursday or Friday) but may be the following week as well. But with the hurricane brewing they didn’t want to schedule anything either cause that may cause delays. And since public transportation and schools and most stores are suspended tomorrow, i think that kicks the whole process back a day or two since no one will be working.But, i’m just going to try to cherish the “me” time and “blogging” time and laying around in pjs while I can. I’m hired. It may take a week to schedule me for training then probably a week or two of training. So it’ll be awhile before i actually see a paycheck. But, that’s okay. As long as the i know the ball is rolling I’m in no hurry to give it an extra kick.

        Like

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