Fear ( 3 minute Swift Expression Challenge)

Posted: December 7, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

For the  3mintue Challenge Swift Expression simply sit down and write for 3 minutes none stop about one of the following topics:

 

1. Something that you are afraid of.

2. A hobby or activity that you enjoy (keep it clean, please!)

3. An idea, theory or opinion that you strongly agree with.
I choose number one , something that you are afraid of.  (Admittedly I went over 3 minutes. It took me about ten minutes when i finished writing. Now I’m taking a couple minutes to do this intro to the challenge, add photos  and proof read a little bit. )

Recently, when I had my job interview for the seasonal job I have now, I was extremely nervous. I went to the fiancée to confide in and he looked at me and said “Babe, please, you’ve had harder talks in your life”. When I asked what he meant he said” With me, with my doctors, with surgery…you’ve done it all. What’s this in comparison?”

He’s done this many times for me. When I have a moment of weakness he likes to instigate with me, to bait me causing me to come back with something smart or tough to say. Then nod his head at me and say there you go.  I don’t think he even knowingly does it. He’s just playing with me. But, I’ve become accustomed to it. I know when I’m upset I will either get a shoulder to cry on, or a push back up on my feet.

I’ve always had him to help me through.

So my greatest fear is not having him there.

I’ve been strong, so very strong, even threw his cancer and illness because I’ll fight to my death for him. And sick or not, his spirit is very much alive and the same. He’s still HERE with me.

The hubby had his brain surgery for a tumor removal February 4th 2011 and we got the cancer diagnosis the following month March 3rd 2011( two days before his birthday). He went through the grueling recovery and aggressive cancer treatment and we reached the year anniversary and he was doing so much better. Then quickly, he wasn’t. But, his fabulous doctor was abruptly relocating out of state at the same time. We were swept up in appointments and tests and procedures and I could barely wrap my head around it.

They thought he was depicting symptoms of his cancer coming back and/or a new tumor.  So an emergency MRI was scheduled the following day. That night his oncologist was catching a flight so we would not actually get to meet  with her after the results, we would have to wait for the nurse assistant to go over the results with us. So day before MRI, last day with his oncologist and with so much unknown she was trying to talk to us about options and possibilities. I had to step out cause the medical transportation was calling and when I returned to the room the doctor had a look on her face like “Oh shit “ and my hubby had a look of sadness on his face I hope to never see ago.

Apparently in my absence, she told him he has 3-5 years to live if the tumor is back.

I was so consumed with anger I could not shed tears. When we got home the hubby with his voice cracking sat down in the kitchen and started to talk.  I was in shock I’m fusing about doing dishes and keeping my hands busy going about a routine.

He started talking while i had my back to him and angrily scrubbing the cleanest dish in the whole world.

“Babe, we’ll talk about this once and we  wont talk about it again. I’ll fight. I’ll fight with all I got to live. To be with you. But, when the time comes… you’ll heal. You’ll love again. You’ll move on”

Tears flowed steadily and I turned around from the sink and whipped around and meant to scream but it barely came out a whisper

“How can I heal from that! I can’t!”

index

We hugged and we cried. Then, together we said fuck what the doctors say. If it’s against statistics and my hubby? I’ll bet on my hubby, any day, any time.

The next day we went off for the MRI and it took them 3 days to get back to us. But when they did there was no reoccurring cancer and no new cancer or tumor.

Its December now, in two more months will be the 2nd year anniversary and he’s still cancer free (though still recovering).

Yet still, every day, in the back of my mind and my heart I have that fear. Fear that my hubby, my love, my best friend, will abruptly and suddenly and prematurely be taken away from me.
images

We both don’t let it hinder or hold us back from living. Yes it affects our future planning. Like unless I get this amazing high paying awesome job, we probably can never afford to get married. You see, he will always need medical insurance. WE won’t be able to afford it as a couple and we won’t qualify for the free stuff like Medicaid as a husband and wife.

But, all that is meaningless. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me he is my soul mate, my love. I love him.

We never took our time together for granted, even before the cancer. But, now, we take extra care to pay extra special attention with our time not only together but with other aspects of our lives.

My life goal? To grow old with my hubby, being those kick ass old people with the sparkle in their eyes and quick to pull a prank.

So my fear? Is not reaching that goal.

weepingangel

*All images I plucked from google images. Just googled weeping angel and saved the images I liked.

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Comments
  1. tfaswift says:

    Hi Tasha, well that is obviously a really sad post – but you went with “fear” so it’s probably going to be something sad or scary (or both in your case). Beautifully written, incredibly touching, sad and somehow also very romantic. It’s like one of those sad, romantic movies that you watch but don’t ever expect to be living it. I’m so sorry for what you two have been through, but I’m so very happy that things are looking optimistic for his health.

    As for marriage, well some people feel really strongly about making it all official, but I agree with you about the piece of paper thing. It’s a contract. And it’s also the government getting involved in your personal life. For me it wasn’t essential, I’ve always thought of my life partner as a mate, like those animals that mate for life. They don’t need any piece of paper. But my husband’s religion is very strict about it, and I didn’t want him to feel worried. In my mind I was already his wife, but it gave him peace of mind to make it official, and being a loving couple means caring about each other’s peace of mind, which you two obviously do, very much.

    We just did a quiet civil ceremony with two witnesses. Didn’t have a wedding cake or anything; we just went out alone, the two of us, for a sushi dinner! 🙂

    You know, you could always do a little ceremony with your partner if you wanted. Just something private and romantic and spiritual to honour your life-long commitment. Vows can be exchanged anywhere, even at home. And sometimes you don’t need to do anything at all. You can just be like the wolves or the swans and make your choice that you belong together, and that’s enough.

    Thank you so much for participating in my Blog Challenge and for your (as always) excellent contributions!

    Like

    • Thank you for your kind words. Sorry its taken me awhile to respond.

      You know, i don’t understand all those big fancy weddings I see on tv, with this crowded church wedding and gigantic reception with hundreds of people. I can barely even think of ten people I would want to share that experience with lol! So i very much think your wedding and sushi celebration is extra special and romantic… it’s intimate and has the personality of you two. Just like how you are going to send everyday for the rest of your life. I think that’s more valuable than all the fancy fake-ness of a big and loud ceremony and reception. Which is why i don’t stress the marriage thing. He is my mate, like a penguin who mates once in their life time or lioness and the king of the jungle. One day maybe we will sign that piece of paper. But if it doesnt happen , then it doesn’t bother me none, we’re already married in mind and heart and spirit. That’s whats really important, that connection.

      And i can’t wait for the next challenge. I miss writing. I miss blogging. Admittedly, i probably can invest more time but I’m the type where i fuss over time.. i want to have a clear open window when i do something i dont want to put a time restriction on it. So when i don’t have the clear open window i don’t “start”. But, the hubby was suggesting I change that and just write a little bit here and there when i get a chance. i haven’t been blogging much since i started working. But, time is flying and my seasonal job is almost over ( till after new years is my term agreement). But, it’s all part of growing up and I’m trying to break all these old habits and adapt and learn to manage my time with my passions because hopefully i can go back to school and get another job after this job ends. It’s a process, but i’ll get there.

      Like

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