Flawed

Posted: December 13, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

What is your worst quality?

Over on the Daily Post Blog, today’s daily prompt in their writing prompt series is a question. What is your worst quality. I interpret this as what is my greatest weakness or biggest flaw.

flawed_by_t_star95_art-d5m89kv

My emotions, hands down, are both my best asset and my greatest flaw. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m honest and kind…almost to a fault. No, to a fault. I’m not naive and stupid. I know when people are greedy for my compassion. I know when they ask me for help they know they will receive it without hesitation. Or when they need reassurance or comfort, I’m ever so reliable. Yet, when i need help, a hand up from the floor, a shoulder to cry on? I always find only but one person..my hubby.

I know this all. Yet, I’ll do it again every time.

Because you know what? Though this makes my life very different with much hurt…it’s who I am. I can’t imagine being any other way. This is me.

scar

Yes, my emotions is my greatest flaw. It’s make a project out of everything, things harder than need be. Countless hours lost to coming home at night and fusing over how i should of done something or done something more or better.  Or like with my father? After his stroke he was just mentally…absent. He was difficult and almost cruel. My mother placed the burden on me. Countless times people told me to not invest into the situation anymore. But, i couldn’t walk away from it( not because we live together). I WANTED to help. Through the good and through the bad. There was many times I question why am i doing this. Why put up with the disrespect, the abuse, the neglect. But at the end of the day , I did it ( and do it still) because in my heart i feel it’s the right thing. While the situation is better, much better, it’s still difficult.  When i started working my mother was all ” whatever” about it. Second day of work and she looked rugged. Simply because I wasnt home to do everything and take care of everything that i usually do and I wasn’t there to referee with her and my father… it took its toll on her and it took it fast. What I have been doing for two years, she couldn’t handle for two days. I couldn’t even muster up the energy to feel smug. I just felt bad. So yes, on my days off  or before work I do EVERYTHING that i was doing before working. Then i go to work.

I had four days off in a row. For the first day I was so tired i could not get out of bed. The second day I was dragging my feet around to get my work done. On the third day i actually fell asleep . I sat down on the bed for a minute and leaned back and next thing i know its three hours later. Today, i was out most of the day doing my mother’s errands and food shopping for her. Then cooking and cleaning for my hubby and doing my own laundry. As the night is winding down, I’m thinking what happened to the day OFF? Where was the down time?

I don’t have to do it( all the stuff for my mother). My brother works and never lifts a finger around the house ( i do his laundry along with my parents laundry and my mother even cleans his room) . I can choose to be the same way. I work now too. I don’t have to participate in household chores.  But, my emotions don’t work that way even though my  brain is screaming for me to be that way.

One time , during a particular bad episode with my father I was upstairs in my room in tears and my hubby was on the phone with his father telling him about the situation. His father asked why do I put up with it, why do i waste my time?  After a rant in Spanish ( i have no idea what he said)my fiancee ended his sentence ” ya know, she has a heart of gold”.

So now, every time my emotions causes things to be problematic I just picture little gold shards flaking off. I know everyone has their limit. Yet still i continue  to let people break shards away. I picture the shards flaking off as that of a dandelion blowing away in the wind.

dandelionstencil

But, when the sun rises it greets me warmly and I know through it all I did what is right and true. Through all the turmoil endured, the sun shines bright and I’m wrapped in warmth.  My flaws? They make greeting the sun an honor each day. I do not turn and hide in shame. I can stand tall and walk and welcome the rays of embrace.

Dandelion_by_lubroz

* The first image is from a user on deviant art
http://browse.deviantart.com/#/d5m89kv
The rest are plucked from google images.

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