Archive for March 7, 2013

I have been nominated for the Shine On Award by the wonderful and enchanting Tilda of Swift Expression! Thank you my friend for thinking of me and your kind words. She definitely has shined a light on my world, and she can for yours too. Visit her blog at

The Rules

1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.

2. Put the Award logo on your blog

3. Share 7 little secrets about you

4. Nominate 5 – 10 other bloggers who make others happy too

1) I love to love. I’m not scared to open up. I open up too easily in fact. I love so much it is often a weakness. No matter how hard I try not too, I always let people in. My heart has more scars from different kinds of disappointments and betrayals than I can remember. So while it hurt to be deserted from the few friends  I had left( with an exception of two or three people), but when the hubby got sick and his health needing my attention and between him and my dad I was home bound care-taking. It was the push I needed to let it all go. Sure, I still get sad sometimes about the lost friendships. But, now my heart is locked up tight and I love the ones I love much harder. I feel freer. Closer. More lovable. I have more love to give.

2) I rather spend my last penny on someone else than myself.

3) I love animals. I know no surprise there. But, I really really love animals. I can’t look at a an animal without saying awwww. When I pass a stray cat or even a bird in the street I say “hey buddy!” and people look at me like I’m crazy.

4) Speaking of birds, I was shit on by a bird four times last year. That I can remember. It was probably more.  People kept telling me I will find money or it means good luck is coming my way! That’s bullshit. Just so you know.

5) I don’t like to scare my dog. But I love it when she gets scared of something(nothing serious, that crushes my heart). It’s SO cute.  Like the other day I popped two of those frozen waffles into the toaster and I was rushing around getting ready for work. I sat down to put my  shoes on and Bianca is standing there with her back to where the toaster is  up on the counter. It’s silent  in the house. She is just staring intently on me like “ are you really leaving?”
Then the waffles popped up, making the usually popping noise it makes.
My little dog got so scared. She did that jump cats usually do when they get scared and she flipped mid air and skidded when she landed and started barking looking from side to side. I was laughing my butt off.

TO be fair, I find it funny when dogs do dogs things us owners would rather they didn’t. Like jump in mud and chase things.

6) I fall. A lot. I stumble. I trip. I loose my balance. I may not completely eat it and face plant on the floor. But a few times a day I slip and slide.  The funny thing is when I am drinking liquor and I’m not drunk but experience one of my clumsy episodes people start telling you that your drunk and you tell them no! I am not drunk but that is exactly what a drunk person says and saying it only works against you. It’s a loose loose situation. But, I’m not embarrassed by my quirk. It keeps me one my toes.

I remember one time telling my classmates about my clumsiness and they laughed about it but brushed it off like it’s not really true. Then one day we’re walking and chit chatting after class let at and seemingly for no other reason than my own to feet I slammed in to the wall, almost lost my books I was holding but grabbed it before they fell . I was completely unfazed and kept walking like hugging a wall was no big deal( it’s not for me!) but the look on everyone’s face caused me to laugh aloud. Everyone was staring with their mouths hanging open and one of my classmates said “you really are clumsy!”  In my head all I was saying “Yeah, no shit Sherlock!” But, people need to see it to believe it.

7) I complain about it, but there Is nothing I love more than staying home and cooking and cleaning. If I didn’t have to earn a living( if you call my job that, I’m basically earning enough for metro, a few take-out orders and few packs of ciggys), I would be perfectly OK being the stay at home wife/parent. That scares me though. I LIKE to work. I like the feeling, I want to be independent. I want to contribute. But I love tending to and caring for those I love. I picture a future with just my little family of the hubby and Bianca and we can be snowed in for weeks and I wouldn’t mind one bit. I’m scared of how comfortable that picture makes me feel and scared that makes me lazy.  Mostly mad it will never happy.  I just feel so happy when I’m loved and having brushed losing him everything seems so petty. If I’m loosing precious time by not being there, it better be damn well worth it. And well, it’s hard for things to measure up to that.  Even before the hubby’s cancer, I would miss him. It could be a few minutes, a few hours, I would miss him the same. And I would be excited to see him. After all these years I still get butterflies.  So yeah, I love being home with him and my doggie and we don’t even do things together most of the time. He watches sports or play video games. I read or write. But we always overlap and we always are having so much fun even if we’re sitting there watching the news. That’s worth a lot more than any job can pay for.

Okay that was my 7 little secrets.
Now to nominate 5 blogs.  I’m trying to go for followers who don’t already have this award and who weren’t nominated by other mutual blogging friends. If you were already nominated and i nominated you again, sorry it’s hard to keep track.  If you would like this award, go ahead and nominate yourself 😉

His words and photos take me on adventures every single day. Sometimes when I am down, I click on his photos and it always presents me with beauty. It may not be stereotypical beauty, but true hidden beauty. He has an eye for the different and the beautiful.

For making me think, laugh and want to be better. For his Bloggers for Peace campaign.

Fish of Gold
I just started following her blog, and I’m now I am an avid reader. I love her humor. Her stories suck you right in.  She has a way with words and even if it’s a serious topic her words reach you through the screen.

The wonderful G, and not because he is married to the wonderful Tilda, though that’s extreme points in my book! His blog is open and honest and spiritual and full with adorable and fierce animal pictures which is an instant qualification for the Sunshine award in my opinion!

Catherine is an amazing woman. Her blog is her open public diary of learning to deal with ASD. Through all she’s been through she still fights to get the treatment she deserves and thinks the best of people! I love reading her blog and she has my support!

I’ll part leaving you a little message.


I will be accepting two awards.  Because it seems I can never keep things simple and short, this is for one. The other will follow when I write it up. The fabulous and stunning Art of Stumbling nominated me for The Liebster Award.  That was almost two weeks ago. Sorry, I’ve been lazy. But ,  Thank you my lovely! I appreciate it very much! The other award is from the ever amazing Tilda and I look forward to writing that separate post!

The Rules are :
Answer the 11 questions
Share 11 interesting facts about yourself
Nominate 11 others
Create 11 questions to ask your nominees.

The Questions
1. Your earliest childhood memory?
I wrote a blog about this for one of those Daily Post writing challenges. You can read about it here.

2. Music playing when you made love for the first time, or associated with your first love.
Okay what’s this question asking? First time I had sex, or the first time I THOUGHT I made love but it was infatuation? Or the first time I truly made love? Because there is a very clear distinction in my mind, or at least for the experiences I have had.

Since the first two are darker things that I do not wish to remember, though I never forget no matter how much I try, I choose to write about the happy and bubbly.

The first time the hubby and I had sex…we planned it. Well, I insisted. I was living at my parents and he was living in his apartment two hours away via the ever trusty MTA. The night before I oh so seductively asked him to come over early. Right after my mother leaves for work and I will be home alone. I told him to come prepared. I was too shy to say bring a condom, so i kept saying “come prepared”.  I woke up early and showered and shaved and put on my best bra and a skin tight tank top with my boobs practically spilling out. I wore a short mini skirt that I used to wear for clubbing but since I gained weight I don’t wear it out in public anymore, only at home for the hot summer days and you can’t walk around the house naked, just half naked.  He was early. As soon as the car left my drive way , I opened the front door for him.

We go up to my room and I don’t remember how it started. We laid in bed and we talked a bit. He asked me if I was sure. I told him Yes. I remember I put on a CD that he burned for me in my stereo but I don’t remember what was actually playing. I was nervous.

We weren’t officially dating yet by the way. I mean were dating but he didn’t ask me to be his lady yet and we weren’t under the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. We have known each other for year or so and have been going out on dates for about a month I believe.

So this was the next step.
When I think of the first time we made love what I remember most is his tenderness. The perfect balance of intensity and lust, but still almost reverent to my body.
After wards, he fell asleep spooning me. I smoked a ciggy while staring at his tattoo arm sprawled across me.

I smiled because he accepted me for me, flaws and all. The cigarette smoke afterwards  sealed the deal. I wasn’t “allowed” to smoke with the previous dude.

I wrote a diss poem to the previous guy I had sex with…I just dug it up and here it is: This is circa 2007 so don’t roll your eyes at the writing style. That was advanced writing for the time lol. Spoken word poetry style.

I found out
what I’ve been missing
I was left
from that
love making
I knew
what it meant
to be
I hit
instant satisfaction
I’m not
from my experience
I was never
I’m not gunna
no names
Just know
you were
Then was spooned
With his glistening
And I smoked

3. How you feel about that person now.
The hubby? That’s my poopie head. Love him to death, and then some. The sex is still just as good too though it is not as often as he would like lol.  

4. How you feel about that music now.

I don’t remember what actually played. My guess would be Metallica. When we first met he was a big old school rocker. Actually, it’s how he won my heart. He played Nirvana , Come As You Are, for me on his guitar. While my ex( at that time he wasn’t an ex) sat next to me. Calm down, I’m not a cheater and the hubby isn’t a home wrecker. We were friends and he was honest from the start he liked me but wouldn’t push boundaries but would pounce as soon as I was available. I cold of saved myself a lot of time and heartache if I would accepted I liked him too, right after our first meeting but I denied it and denied it and buried it deep down inside. I’m loyal to a fault and think I can fix everything which is why I stayed in the ex-toxic relationship. The same day my ex relationship ended, I called the hubby( we hadn’t spoken in months because he couldn’t take the frustration of the drama that was happening with mutual friends and he just stopped talking to everyone. Shortly after the hubby disappeared from my life, I disappeared from that circle of backstabbers too and carried resentment in my heart for not having the hubby as a friend anymore). He waited a whole 24 hours before he asked me out LOL.

5. Favourite recent song
This is tough. I am so out of touch with music now-a-days. My ipod broke like two years ago. So I haven’t downloaded music since then. I guess when I steal the hubby’s ipod my go to song… Drowning Pool- Feel like I do but that’s not recent.

6. What hurts your feelings most nowadays? One example please!
Money. Lack of money. Usage of money. Fights about money. Just money stuff.

7. What you would like to do next in your life? Okay i read this question as “what would you like to do in your next life”, so that is that answer I written and am keeping cause its deep stuff.

Something…more. I know I am a great person and I inspire my friends both in real life and cyber-ly. I know I am precious the hubby and people I’ve met in hospitals and cancer centers. Yes, I am young. But I am not THAT young anymore. I wish in my next life to have a better row of things.  To finish school straight through and go off and do something more, something grander. I’m not talking about being rich and famous. I’m talking along the lines of being a helper. Peace corp? International travel to build schools? Or maybe a center locally that literally takes children in off the streets. Helps them. Reforms them. I hope in my next life I get to help people is more ways that I can and able to in this

8. Are you attracted to your own sex?

Why yes, yes I am. I love the ladies. I check chicks out. They are beautiful.  I have made out with a handful of girls in my dating history.  Ladies are sexy. When I hit a dry spell lesbian porn always does the trick ( the hubby approves). May I be blunt? The reason I never dated girls is I like the dick too much. Sorry no politically correct way to say that. Or atleast not in the mood I am in ( had  a rough  morning). I am physically and sexually attracted to my hubby, he is in no way shape or form womanly. If you look up manly, macho or any other of those rugged man descriptions in the dictionary you may find his picture there. He is such a stereotype in that way. But other men? Maybe it’s my love for the hubby but I can not and do not find other men attractive. I look at guys and say and? Or Ew. Mostly ew . But with my bestie( a lesbian) or with my hubby I’m usually the first to point out a good looking lady.  Or the covert hottie ( you know the type, it’s probably you if you like my blog. The chick who is sexy but doesn’t know it. Or doesn’t flaunt it is a better way of saying it. The book worm hidden with her hair covering her face , nose in a book. The fashion girl, who dresses oddly to everyone but the combination and colors will be next year trend but for now she is just the odd girl. Or the gym suit girl. Can’t see a curve on her but she is beautiful. I like those girls. The ones who have class. Don’t care what you think. That kind of confidence is sexy and I like that.  The hubby jokes that one day he will be packing his bags cause I dumped him for a girl and he wouldn’t even be mad because he knows I’ll pick an amazing chick and he’ll just be like “damn, can I join before I go?” . I truly believe if the hubby and I ever break up or we get taken away from each other I will no doubt give up men and seek a lady. But, my hubby is manly and I love it. I love him. I’m not repressing any feelings or denying any feelings( 97% of my friends are gay and a lot of them pressure me that I’m a lesbian in denial, I have no denial! I love the ladies. I just love my hubby more). He more than fulfills me and satisfies me.

9.What is the worst aspect of the opposite sex?

That entitled self-righteous attitude girls have. It’s predominate in the female gender. They think they are classy but really are trashy. They want to be independent but have ridiculous double standards and expectations for men to jump through. I feel bad for men most of the time and the games and drama and overall cattiness they have to put up with and I thank God every day I am not like.

10. Can pets replace people in your life?
Already have! I rarely see my friends. I miss them sure. But, I can’t go a few hours without seeing my dog. I’m perfectly happy and content to stay home and have the company of my dog.  Maybe I’m just getting old.


When i was delusion with fever a few weeks ago I was in bed and in and out of consciousness and I had no idea i taken this picture. Poor doggie.

11. Will you fall in love again?

This is going to sound corny. But I do everyday. I fall more in love every single day. I look at my hubby and my heart races. I even look at my dog and though a different kind of love I feel my heart grow everyday. I tell the hubby ( far too much to his great annoyance) that I feel so much love I think my heart will  burst. Now , If I lost the hubby? I seriously doubt I will find love like this again. I’m sure I would find a different kind of love but I just believe we get ONE great love.  One. We may love many times before or even many times after but never will it be that ONE great love. The hubby is my great one.

11 Interesting Facts About Myself
Okay now, I have to present you with eleven interesting facts about myself. Some will be secrets.

1) I’ve been every size in the book. And always had the same perception of myself.

2) I’m always told how strong I am, and I know I am. But, inside I’m terrified. I have no clue what I’m doing. I just do it and hope i don’t screw it up or kill anyone I look after in the process.

3)I’m always insecure and think about what other people would think of me. I just decide that i like my opinion more and don’t let it hinder my life or halt me from trying.

4)I only had a pedicure once in my life. I do my toes myself because I’m insecure about my feet and I have a special toe. The nail is funky. Not gross or anything. Just, well it’s special. I don’t want the pedicurist to hurt my feet.

5) I’m hairy. My hair (body hair) grows so damn fast. I love winter because I don’t have to shave every damn day.

6)If I’m honest, I’m embarrassed( a little bit) to be working retail. The girl who was anti-capitalism, protesting everyday is now working in the ultimate consumer franchise.

7) I resent others. I don’t wish them unwell. I just resent them.

8) I bottle up my emotions because of my life circumstance. I don’t like to do it. I advise against it. But i do it because I don’t have the liberty to be upset, especially say like my fiance having cancer. Cancer trumps any tantrum in my book. P.s. he tells me to have my emotions and be upset if I am upset  but how can you truly let go and having your whine and mope around for an hour or two when you are always on demand?

9) I smoke. Alot. Remember my resolutions? Quit smoking was one of them. I haven’t made a dent in that resolution yet. Sometimes i go half a day without smoking and go to sleep feeling good about it. Then in the morning i wake up and before i know it i chain smoked all morning. The honest truth? I LIKE to smoke. I hate it but, i like it too.

10)I have been in a funk for the past several months. I don’t have or feel motivation to do much of anything. I just want to work, blog and read. Sleep would be nice too.  I haven’t organized paperwork. Or did a real cleaning in months. Just the quick cleaning. But move everything to dust and scrub cleaning? Yeah that hasn’t happened.

11)I’m growing my hair out and i tell everyone it’s so i can donate it. I am going to. Like i did last year. But most of that decision is i refuse to pay for  a haircut… it’s severely over priced.

I don’t  even know who to nominate. SO I’m bending the rules a bit. Call the blogging police if you like, i don’t care. I just want to reach all my followers.  If you would like this award, go ahead and do the steps. You can use the same 11 questions I did for your answers because these were swell questions. And I have another one of these to do so I’m far to lazy to sit and think about 11 more questions. Half of us follow the same people and have the same awards and we nominate each other back and forth. Which is awesome, I love it. But, for those following my blog that i may over look and do not have this award and would like this award. Go ahead. It’s yours. Just answer the 11 questions and share 11 facts about yourself. Happy blogging everyone!

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 2. If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to Swift Expression

The Challenge

2. For painting and drawing, you may choose either theme –
An invisible flame, or
The uninvented colour

Fire Love Affair
Fire has always fascinated me. I was young pyromaniac. I remember once hanging out with a friend and we decided to burn photos and papers in my attic. It started to smell like smoke and the smoke was raising up out of  the pail. We started to get worried we would burn the garage down and my friend doused everything in water. I was sad to see the flame go.  I always have candles in my room and I’ve wrote poems about the flame and it’s dancing. I believe in the beauty of a small light in the dark. The shadows it causes reminding us there is always unknown in darkness even when there is light.  But also, the dark is not to be forgotten. What purpose would a light serve if there was no dark? What beauty would the bright light have in not surrounded in darkness. But, also, the flame reminds us  to be cautious. To not be blinded and deceived.  So while the flame itself may be enticing and tantalizing, beauty can be found in the shadows on the wall. If you touch the flame you will be burned, but if you slink in the shadows you are comforted from the heat.

So, my love affair with fire, I knew IF I did this challenge that would be the prompt I picked. I can’t draw and I can only doodle two things.
Stick figures.

And  a flame.

The story behind my drawing.
Like I said, I can’t draw. So I was thinking how I can draw without drawing. Then I had a memory from a month or so ago.

I was at work one day. During  the slowest part of the slow season of working retail. So, I was milling around the registers with two co-workers. We were working the socks and underwear side of the store that day which makes work that much more…less. It doesn’t get messy when it’s slow, everything is in packages. And customers rarely like assistance. They like to keep their underwear size private.  So, we were milling around chit chatting.

My boss walks up and is grinning from ear to ear. He says
“Tasha, close out these two registers!”  pointing to two on opposite sides of each other. Confused because we were hours away from closing time and we don’t close registers until ALL customers are out of the store( not just our department/floor), I ask why.  He said since it’s slow we’re getting training in how to use the portable registers ( basically it’s an Iphone 5 with a scanner attached to scan the items and a slider to swipe the credit card).  This will be my first time using one so I’m nervous and excited.

I close one register. My co-worker closes the other. My boss tells me to go to the cash room with the take and then sign out a libby( it’s what the device is called).

So, I grab the envelopes for the resister I closed and i grabbed the one my co-worker closed and I was about to walk away when he stopped me. He asked me if I knew his number. We have associate numbers and it goes on everything. When we close a register we type it in the system, write it on the paperwork and give our number to the cash room assistance who takes the cash draw.   I tell him, of course I don’t, I was just going to use my number. He told me to hang on he’ll write it down.

So, i stand there and watch him go to a register and press the button to dispatch a strip of receipt paper. He looks for a pen for like 2 seconds and I start to look around too, but already know all the pens are gone. We keep a pen at each register, sometimes two because we circle a survey the customer can do and also write our name on the receipt so the customer can leave feedback about us. The pens always disappear.

So, I start to tell him just tell me the number , I’ll remember it. When he takes his thumb and scribbles on the receipt paper. Then all nonchalantly he says “here you go” and thrusts the paper at me.

I look at the receipt in his hand and then look at him and said

“Wait, what just happened”

He laughs. He tells me most types of receipt paper you can use your nail to write on it . It’s makes a friction scratch and it levels a pencil like marking.

Mind = blown.

I grabbed the receipt from him and immediately began scribbling with my nail and it my amazement, it left marks.

My face was like a kid on Christmas. My co-worker laughed and I walked away smiling all the way upstairs to the cash room.

Invisible flame eh?It doesn’t get much more invisible than drawing a flame with invisible ink. SO here I present you with my flame on a random receipt paper I had lying around. It’s not my best flame, I haven’t drawn one in years. And, I clipped my nails yesterday so I had little to work with. But, I’m quite happy with it.


So folks, I hoped you enjoyed my story of my love affair with fire. Just remember, just because something burns you doesn’t mean its meant to harm you. Fire can save your life. But, just because it’s beautiful, doesn’t mean it’s safe. Fire can consume quickly, consuming a human in mere seconds. The light does not always equate goodness and the dark does not always equate evil. Fire, my friends, its beautiful, dangerous , enticing and enchanting all in one. But, so are the shadows cast on the wall.