Although its been two years since Omar has been on his Cancer journey and the several last MRI’s shown no signs of tumor regrowth, I still experience this impeccable fear whenever we get ready for a doctor’s appointment.

Maybe that headache wasn’t just a headache but a symptom. Maybe that pain wasn’t just a pain but growth inside. Maybe this. Maybe that. maybe maybe maybe…

It’s irrational, my mind knows this. But my emotions always over run me.

No matter how good the scans look or how much stronger the hubby becomes the uncertainty is always there.

There is no cure for Cancer folks.

I think what makes it worse is this is Omar’s 3rd oncologist. So we have the roller coaster with each doctor with them not wanting to instill false hope within us. Even the last appointment the hubs doc gave a whole spiel about the hubby’s cancer ALWAYS comes back and if he does he is ready with a plan.

Yeah bud, that’s real reassuring.

You may be ready but we most certainty are not.

In fact, it’s the hubby wishes not to have any more treatment if his cancer should arise. He barely fought through his treatment and it took him nearly a year off of chemo and radiation to be able to do normal things like walk four blocks to the store to buy himself popeyes or a soda from the deli. And even to this day sometimes doing some light food shopping takes a toll on him and he doesn’t even have the energy to cook a meal for himself once he comes back from the store.

And his doctors are all blase about this. We continuously tell them he is having a real hard time building up stamina and strength and normal endurance and they just wave their hands and say it takes time. The hubby even started his own personal therapy at home and faithfully every morning did light weights and exercises and walked everyday and it didnt help at all. In fact sometimes his works out left him in pain for days. I mean he has come a long way since he first got sick. He doesnt complain to others but I live with him and care for him everyday. I see the wear and tear and the struggle every single day. Every single day.

I can’t blame him for not wanting to do more treatments. He is still fighting and struggling while OFF treatments. How can you ask someone to suffer more and more?

Im not being negative or a downer. I’m just voicing very real concerns I harbor. Every single day I have fear for the hubby. I have fear that unbeknownst to us his cancer is back and growing and spreading. Everyday I fear his body will give out and he will have no fight left in him.
I fear for him

So on the eve of the doctor’s appointment I sit here alone with my thoughts and emotions and the fear i try my best to ignore every single day and push to the back of my mind and tuck in the corners of my heart and that fear forms a rip tide and washes over me and cascades down on me again and again. Even when my head hits the pillow silent tears drip as the fear streams throughout me.

But, in the morning, I’ll flip my pillow over to the dry side and dress and get the hubby ready and when we reach the hospital I will sit in the waiting room with my head held high.

I may have great fear for the hubby and his uncertain health. But, i have greater belief love for him and faith in that love and i refuse to crumble and let our love succumb to negatively or fear.

Love brought the two of us, polar opposites from different worlds, together and no matter what , cancer or no cancer, love is what will get us through.

  1. clarahinton says:

    I don’t think you’d be ranked among the normal if you didn’t feel the fear prior to a doctor’s appointment for your hubby. It’s the “unknown” that is so frightening. And, cancer often presents itself as an unknown visitor.

    Here’s a link you might appreciate. Just another perspective from a cancer survivor.

    Waiting to hear a great report!!!!


    • Thank you for your thoughtful and kind comment!
      I will definitely check out the link when I get a chance. I am happy to report scans were great and clean and the hubby doesn’t have to go back to a doctor for 6 months!


  2. Katie Renee says:

    My Dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was two. Cancer has always been a part of my life and I’ve never gotten used to it. It will always scare you, but in some ways that is good. I promise you’ll never take good health for granted. I promise Omar will always be on his guard for symptoms and changes in his health. And I promise you will never miss an appointment with an oncologist for the rest of your life.

    But success stories happen all the time, and life moves on. Fear helps us remember what is precious to us. Besides, I can’t think of anyone better to help Omar through all of this then you. It takes a strong, compassionate, and wonderful person to be the stability and support for a loved one. You know I’m here if you want to talk about anything, I hope everything is going great with you! Try not to work yourself too hard. 🙂


  3. I found doctors were really blasĂ©, but sadly most brain tumour patients don’t excel 5-10 years statistically, and doctors are ruled by statistics. Chris had a year and they did nothing to help him or try to improve his quality of life, they just let him get on with it and said “it’s progression, it’s expected” or “we’ll see what we can do next time” – bloody useless! Fortunately we had Macmillan behind us helping as much as they could so we didn’t feel completely abandoned.
    It just feels to me like doctors take every brain tumour patient as a write off, when they aren’t at all!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s