Archive for August, 2013

I am easily amused and easily distracted. I am not medically diagnosed with A.D.D but for as long as I can remember I have had A.d.d. tendencies The funniest incident to depict my short attention and being distracted by something shiny is this:

It was several years ago, high school time. I went out to a diner with a friend. He has the same A.d.d. tendencies I do. We were seated in the back section of the diner. Next to a large party. During the holiday season. So there was lights and decorations all around. We kept trying to have a conversation but both of us would drift off mid sentence and stare at something shiny behind the others head. It wasn’t until the end of the meal did we realize we hardly spoke and seemingly stared off into space for the whole hour.

When I go to discount stores/ dollar stores it is like A.D.D. heaven. Random things, random sparkles throughout the whole store.  For about a week and a half I have needed nail polish remover. I went to the dollar store at least 3 or 4 times. I left with a bag of random unrelated items. Never picking up the nail polish remover.

My latest trip, i at least returned with stuff i can use…  a packet of hangers, a lint roller and dollar store brand febreze. Oh an a plush toy for my dog.

So, yesterday I went to the store of all discount stores. It’s a HUGE place. It’s not really local which is why I’ve never been. But, i seen a back to school flyer for them and they had shoes. Basic flat ballerina style shoes. Of course it will be cheap quality but they’re cute and I only need shoes for work. So I wanted cheap and comfy and several options to match my work outfits and shoes I don’t mind leaving in my work locker. So it was off to this huge discount store.

Like i said, it was A.d.d. overdrive. I picked up school supplies, appliances,  food items before i realized I’m not in school, don’t have my own kitchen to furnish and i just did food shopping yesterday. So i had to rein myself in and head downstairs to the shoe/ clothing department. Now, it’s easier for me to shop around clothes and shoes because I’m cheap as hell. I take one look at the price tag ( even in a discount store!) and say ” that can look pretty right there on the rack!”.

I ended up with two shoes. A  black one with a  little twist design and a beige suede looking one. I liked a bunch more but they were already on clearance so were sold out or didn’t have my size. They had a zebra print shoe I wanted so bad but it was two sizes to big! So sad!  SO i left the store with my two shoes, 4 cans of cat food( for a dollar!) and a big jar of Vaseline( it was a 1.79!) . Not too bad for my impulse a.d.d shopping don’t you think?

Business women, business, work, worker


I’m old. That’s what is my first thought when i think of going back to college.

Okay, okay 25 is NOT old. But, attending a college with frat boys and sorority  girls and freshmen trying to get upperclassman to buy them drinks? I don’t want to be around that. A lot of college kids are just that , college kids. Sometimes its more about the college LIFE then the college work.

Which is why i loved when i transferred to a community college. I took mostly afternoon and evening classes and my peers were ADULTS. They would work their 9 -5 and then trickle into class and put in more work. To really work and learn. That kind of crowd and maturity i adored so much! Study groups, study sessions and an overall interactive class room. It was encouraging and supportive and fun. I didn’t dread going to class and wasn’t afraid of not understanding because I knew the environment was supportive.

But i graduated that community college with an AA. SO i need to go back to school for a BA. Four year schools are different from community colleges. Even though I live in NY and most of the 4 years schools are less “college life” because they are commuting schools as well. Still, it’s different.  I went to one before i went to community college.

I just can’t see myself sitting in a room full of 20 year olds who are halfheartedly invested.

I’m at that part in life where I’m partly over it as well. I don’t want to go to school, pull all nighters to finish a report. I want to work. Really work. 40 hour work weeks with real paychecks. I’m ready to earn. ( my part-time retail job isn’t really earning). I’m ready to be independent. I’m ready to move on.

Yet still, part of me still longs for school.

I love to learn.

* This was in response to The Daily Post’s Daily Writing Prompt

rose, flower, sparking, wither, breakin free
For those of you that have been my blogging friends for a while, you all knew or knew off Swift Expression and her fierce blog and amazing Blogging Challenges. We all miss Tilda dearly and if anyone has communication with her please tell her I miss her and love her,

For those of you new bloggers you may not know of her and her blog. I wish you did but her blog is now closed down. If you go to my Trendsetter tab all those pages are a template of blog posts I have made for her last challenge before she left.

That was back in April. I wrote this farewell post back then and stated I wish to start a Writing Prompt Series in her honor and all the inspiration both in blogging and life she provided to us all.  You can read that post here or by clicking the link below.

Testament to how much she inspired me i nearly stopped blogging since she left. But, I’m back and I’m ready.

I wish to start this writing prompt series.

However, I’m well aware my following had dwindled down with active communication not consistent.  I don’t think , in the beginning at least that anyone will join in or many people will read and follow along a weekly writing prompt series.

So I’m changing this tribute series just a little bit. I’m making it a personal dedication to my wonderful Tilda. Swift Expression was just an adequate name. She really inspired and invoked creativity inside myself I didn’t even know I had. So, I owe it to her and to myself to harvest my inner creativity. For that I’m going to start a weekly blog post.  It will be to challenge myself to post ONCE a week even during my busiest times.  And really that’s what matters most. Going back to the basics of blogging for one’s own self. It what Tilda inspired in us all, opening us up to blog about our true inner feelings and to give us encouragement to explore then.

So it is only fair any writing series I start be in that honor, to write to explore one’s self.

So that’s what this weekly writing prompt thingy will be.

We all have slumps. We each have busy lives with lives off the computer that need our tending too and attention. So we all have a few days where it’s not convenient to blog. That’s how I slipped up in blogging. It was easy to get lost in the routine of life. Without my main inspiration of Swift Expression who would personally seek you out for your input. I felt a detachment from blogging. I felt there was no one to hold me accountable.

I’m changing that mindset. Starting now.

I’m getting back into blogging for MYSELF. My for peace of mind. Quell my emotions. For the joy of writing.

butterflies, freedom , flying, set free

Please stay Tuned for Part two of this where it would go into details of the writing prompt series itself. I’m thinking of calling it “Slump Day” . The post to help get you past your slump in blogging for that week. Wha cha think?

Something is living in my attic.

From the scurrying that kept me awake in the middle of night i now think two things. One, the animal up there is on a nocturnal schedule. From the distant sound of walking on four paws with scrapping nails i no longer think it’s a tiny fuzzy mouse.

I think there’s a raccoon in my attic.

Insert heart attacks and panic here.

I was up all night with images of something similar to this, without the fence as protection.

I just kept envisioning a raccoon breaking through my ceiling and trying to kill me in my sleep.

When i was finally able to sleep I kept waking up scared to find a raccoon on my pillow instead of Bianca

Raccoon, raccoon invade, raccoon attack


Say it with me folks. Terrified.

I’ve come to soften up to raccoons after last winter’s escapades with the raccoon family living in the space between the gutters and the siding of my house. Five baby raccoons and one big protective mother.Unknowing they were there we had a roofer company come out to the house to do repairs for minor closes and patches and wind damage. The roofers did their job early in the morning and packed up and left. That night we hear this great big banging. Apparently the roofers unknowing sealed the raccoons inside the house. We watched speechless as the mother raccoon banged her way out of aluminum siding,literally punched her way out. We figured okay she’s out and the roofing company sped over and closed up the hole again before she reentered. We thought that was the end.

But nooo that night the raccoon slept right on the back deck by our kitchen door under the hole now closed up. All day she stayed by our house. In daylight. She would stand on her back legs and open her front paws wide and just look at me. She even walked up to my dad in the front of the house and screeched so loud and then returned to her spot on our back deck. We called the company back to set a trap ( they deal with animal removing too) She ignored all the food and traps and just slept on the deck. When it was daylight of day two she retreated to shade but never slept and never left. Then that afternoon we heard it. Crying. WE called the company back yet again and they reopened the hole. Turns out there were five babies in there.

Yeah, I love animals and it completely warmed my heart. Five babies this momma raccoon was desperate to get back too and protect and she didn’t even turn aggressive towards us. She was just trying to plead with us. The company would normally take the babies away,dump them in a woods far away but being so young and the mother being un-trappable. It would of been a death sentence for them .So i felt bad.

Even I have to a admit. They’re cute! Little balls of fur.

The hard working roofer guys placed all five babies in our driveway and the raccoon mother scrambled around trying to put herself over each of them at the same time all the while panicking trying to carry each one at the same time. But she now was homeless.

So, she settled for our neighbors abandoned garage. There was hole in the roof and she grabbed one baby at a time and its no easy feet getting onto that garage. It’s more a less an obstacle course with two fences shes has to scale. She did this for all her five babies.

So. They were out of our house and they lived there for the rest of the winter. I rarely saw them and i knew the males in that group would venture away(its a raccoon animal instinct thing to prevent inbreeding). Summer came and i rarely even saw them ( or other raccoons). There is one that still lives there and i would see it from time to time but it stays way clear of our house and our neighbors aren’t complaining of raccoons this summer.

So i thought throughout my years of being tormented by raccoons we have finally come to a peaceful co-existent relationship.

That is, until i heard the scurrying above my head last night.

Oh hell no people. This cant be happening. This wont be happening.

I’m fine with them if they stay clear of me.

Irony of it all? Raccoons are territorial. Since there was a raccoon family already living in roof before, it’s a deterrent for other raccoons and they would never nest or make a home there. So. It seems to reason this new raccoon in my attic is one of the babies i saved last year.

And they say you never get punished for doing a good dead. Now I wont be able to sleep because all i picture is this:

Saw this on face book and just had to share! It’s funny and true. I’m only 25 but i feel older and older everyday. If asked to go out partying and drinking all night or stay home and sleep….yeah my pillow I will pick every time. I no longer can stay up all night without being tried for the rest of the week. These are the things they don’t tell you about “growing up”.

To my new Followers!

Thank you for following my blog, especially during a time I have been severely disconnected from blogging. So please, if you have followed me in the period of the last few months please drop me a line or blog link so I can visit your page and follow you back!

The past few months I have been just been skimming my reader and I’ve missed so much. So many new followers and now I’m having troubling of picking everyone out.

But, I’m back and trying to connect! I caught up with Bloggers for Peace and Matter’s Most. I will get back to posting regularly. I’m working to reconnect with people I follow and those that follow me.

I know alot of people are following me and I am not following them but I also have pusedo blogs ( the advertisements and bots ) in my followers lists and its hard to weed out the real ones and the fakes ones.

So one more time, bare with me! Help me out and point me in the right direction.

Have a post I missed and know I would love to read? Have a post you just want seen? I’m not following you but you are following me? Drop a link. I’ll be more than happy to read anything.

I just want to sincerely thank you all for being so patient and considerate with me. I can’t believe i got so many new followers when I was an absent blogger. It means the world to me!  I have noticed and I do care.

Lets connect and get back to blogging!


I’m going to cheat a little bit. But it is in the name of fairness.

Matter’s Most is the Trend I decided to start as per contest rules( The Swift Expression Challenge final completion task was to start a trend on your own blog). SO, I started Matter’s Most to shine a spotlight on one follower who has been especially invested into my blog.

I did my first Matters Most post and then i hit the blogging slump and haven’t been blogging much.

So to be fair since i haven’t posted much  and therefore cannot ask of my follows to participate when I’m not producing work for them to fuss over, I’m going to pick one person ( for factual reasons) to represent the May, June, July and August. Hopefully, i stick to blogging and next month we have a better flow of interaction going with me commenting and reading your blogs and you all finding your way back onto mine.

Sounds fair?


So my nominee for Matters Most is

Katie from Discovering Different !

My love, i picked u because you have the patience of a saint when it comes to  my blog. You understand and never pester about my absence and when I randomly post a lame excuse for my absence you are ever gracious. Thank you for your persistent support and understanding! You rock!

Now you get to boss me around. Pick a topic for me to post about. Or whatever it is you want me to post. It could be anything. Q&A. Review something. Review a blog. Read a blog.  Anything at all. I shall do it.



forpeace6A song for Peace, July’s B4Peace Post Challenge. This is more of a poem than a song. My message is there cannot be peace without love.

Loveless Peace

Take my crown
King means nothing
to me now
You can be my heir
cause I won’t rule
when love isn’t near
Peace can’t exist
without love here

I can’t

So take my crown
it means nothing to me now
nothing to me now

I can’t endure no more
take no more
Watch no more
without love here

I can’t be brave
Pave  the way
lead an army
keep my people out of harm’s way

I can’t

Take my crown
King means nothing
to me now
You can be my heir
cause I won’t rule
when love isn’t near
Peace can’t exist
without love here

I can’t

So take my crown
it means nothing to me now
nothing to me now

The only one who can calm my inner qualms
My hearts true desire
The only one who can quiet the passing storms.


the only one who makes me steady
picks me up when I am down
gives me strength to go on
The only one who makes me see
rising across the horizon over the sea


Without love  the war rages on.
There is no point in fighting
for peace.
without love
it cannot exist

The fight is worthless
happiness cannot happen
Peace cannot take place
When  love isn’t there
to cleanse the field
for a new horizon.

So take my crown
it means nothing to me now
nothing to me now
I can’t endure no more
take no more
Watch no more
without love here

I can’t be brave
Pave  the way
lead an army
keep my people out of harm’s way

I can’t

So take my crown
it means nothing to me now
nothing to me now

Excerpt taken directly from Kozo’s page for June’s B4Peace Challenge:
For this month’s peace challenge, I encourage you to write a letter for peace and send it out into the Universe. You may not get an answer, but you will make a difference. Here are some suggestions.
Write a letter to a person in power, past or present. Let them know what you feel about the state of the world under their control. Here is a great example from a teenage girl in Pakistan: People Aren’t Made For Slaughter. Cattle Are..
Write a letter to God, the Universe, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or any other spiritual leader. One of my favorite books is Conversations with God, which consists of a series of letters to and from God. Feel free to have your spiritual leader answer your letter.
Write an epistolary story that explores peace.
Write a letter you would like to receive from peace.
Post a photo, video, story, or piece of art that explores the intersection of writing and peace.
Do a stream of conscious letter to anyone. Rant, scream, cry, and/or swear for peace. This might be best done with a pen and transcribed or scanned into your post.
Since this challenge is about letters and peace, anything you do will meet the challenge.

I am choosing to do a stream of conscious letter.

Dear Universe,

Assholes live forever. If you want live a long time, become an asshole. I’ve heard those lines from various outlets at different intervals. And the bell of truth is always left echoing in my ear.
I’m my little corner of the universe I have witness ( and experienced myself) countless hardships. Good people suffering seemingly for no reason and irregardless of their hard work and attempts to do better. That is one thing that always makes me bitter. Why do innocent people have to have such a hard time.

Sometimes that makes it hard to care. When you have rich people pampered and everything handled on a silver platter and totally ungrateful. Meanwhile you have children going hungry on the streets. Children forced into lives of crime and abuse.

Then we have media that is a big fat instigator. Media distorts everything.

Ok before i say this next part here is my little disclaimer. I’m not a racist. I know discrimination happens…often.  But,I don’t get the constant racial wars going on. Black vs white. Because when I find out about things I don’t automatically classify people according to the color of their skin. So why do you do it yourself? Why bring race into it at all.  Why isn’t it person did this to that person?If i’m watching the news and they say a girl a was raped. I relay that news a girl was raped. I don’t care if she was white or black or orange. I don’t care what color the rapist is. That girl is forever traumatized. She can never un- experience the assault she just went through. What does color or nationality have to do with anything? A girl was attacked and is suffering and her attacker doesn’t deserve to walk way from hurting another human being.  What color their skin is should have no value whats so ever to the situation.With the whole Trayvon Martin case. It was this whole big case about a “white man” killing a “black “child. Whatever side you take, that’s your opinion. Personally I viewed the case as this. A man shot a child. There was no black or white. And the whole big race thing was blown all over social media. It just made me furious. Why couldn’t people see this as a basic human rights situation. One person shot and killed another person. What the hell does anything else matter?

I’m not expressing this very well. I’m just saying. Why is everyone’s first extinct to classify and categorize and compare.  I see people as people. We are all humans.

It shouldn’t matter the color we bear or the sex we choose to represent or date. We are all human beings.

I see people as my fellow human kind.

I think if everyone wants to focus on color then they should focus on the color ruining our basic human substance . The color of green. Money.

Because, sadly, what it comes down to  how well one can live life is how much money they can make to sustain themselves and their loved ones. I’m sorry to sound all socialist but it’s unfair and in my mind un-human for one to have so much while another has so little.

It’s just so hard for me to see a peaceful world when we classified and subjugated ourselves. We marginalize ourselves with this mentality. We all need to rise above it all. We all need to realize we are all human. We all have emotions and needs. We all desire to be happy and not have to fight tooth and nail every single day.

We all deserve Peace.


And the only way to get that if is we all start viewing and ACTING like equals.

forpeace6Excerpt Taken directly from Kozo’s page for May B4Peace Challenge:

This month I challenge you to explore how to have peace in relationships or how to have peace at home.
Turn your blog into a relationship advice column. What are the 5 things that make a peaceful relationship? What are the 4 things we can do to become a better partner?
Post a piece of art, a photo, or a video that epitomizes a perfect relationship. Feel free to explain why. (This does not have to be a human relationship.)
Write a letter to the opposite sex or your partner explaining why you love them, but what they need to do for you to keep loving them. This can be a letter to an actual person or to an entire community of people.
Publish a story, poem, song, or video about struggle in relationships and what you learned from this struggle that brought peace into your world.
Publish a post on the greatest love story ever that will inspire us to be more loving.
Rant about what really frustrates you about the opposite sex, relationships, or your partners. (Maybe if we know what is wrong, we can fix it.)
Post anything about the intersection of relationships and peace.



Dear Cancer:

Fuck you. There. I finally said it. Fuck. You.

Cancer has stressed and strained my relationship. Not so much the illness part. I love him through health and illness. Our love is strong regardless of circumstance. He is my best friend. We will be together always no matter what life throws at us.  But I had to sit back and watch you rip my love apart. You took my strapping young healthy man and torn him down. I used to watch him be a work horse. He loved it. The short time he worked demolition he used to come home with bruised knuckles and shoulders with a light shinning in his eyes telling me how he had to punch out a wall that needed to be torn down or how him and his homies from work  took turns shouldering the wall down.

He loves to work. He loves to labor and sweat and create. Since the day  I met him he was always running off to build or fix things. When we started living together he would go outside to visit a friend in his nice clothes and when he came home he would look like a scared puppy because he was covered in grease from working on a car. His new nice clothes ruined. I couldn’t even get upset about his ruined clothes because his soul was revived. It’s what he loves to do. He didn’t smoke or drink and sure he ate alot of unhealthy food but he was fit and active and always quick to lend a helping hand.

So when he got sick there wasn’t even a transition. One day he was at work. The next day he was in the hospital. He didn’t get to say goodbye to his passions.

Even now a year and half off of treatments and he’s not back to his regular health and stamina. Day by day I have to watch him with longing in his eyes as he stays on the side lines.

That’s what keeps my heart from being peaceful.

You took away my love’s soul. Day by day he wants to go back to work. To be out in the world earning. He wants us to be a proper couple, no longer engaged but married without worrying about the repercussions and being eligible for health insurance or this or that program. He wants to support us and our passions and be free of the chains of “family” and have our little life together. To be out of my mother’s house and have our privacy. To be working up grown adults.I want that too. For both of us to contribute to our little household. It wont be much. But it would be ours to call our own.

Time and time again we cannot reach that goal. Just the other day having a heart to heart the hubby told me how badly he wants to work, to provide, to be happy.  BUt we both know it’s not possible…yet.

So. Fuck You Cancer. For taking that away from him. From us. If you were not in the picture I would of graduated with my bachelors and be well on my way for my Masters Degree and be off living in a cozy apartment with my love and my dog. Yet, here we are just me working a part time retail job. Everything on hold. At a stand still. In a hostile negative environment.

People ask me all the time how I can smoke, having seen the hubby fight through Cancer. Truth is, it was him, the cancer patient, that convinced me to pick up the habit again. I quit for nearly a year. I was smoke free way before he got sick. And it wasn’t until he was almost complete with treatment did i pick it up again. The hubby told me we all get a vice. And you can’t let fear or society or people’s judgement hinder your desires no matter what it is. He told me look at him… never smoked, never drank, never experimented. He got Cancer without the satisfaction of knowing he lived and tried it.  He told me to go ahead if it’s what I wanted to do. I can get cancer with or without the smoking. He told me i deserve a vice. Most importantly he told me I deserved to choose.

That’s what Cancer robbed from us. A Choice.

Without that choice it hinders and obstructs our desires and goals and happiness. It limits the peace we can achieve.

But, that’s why i love the hubby. He puts a smile on his face and does what the doctors tell him to do and he tries. He tries his very best. Friends and family don’t see the daily struggle because he puts on his brave face and puts himself out there. Time and time again.

He’s not a fighter. He’s a warrior. He’s my hero. My love.

Because of him, i’ll know eventually he’ll storm his way onto the other side, the healthy side of Cancer. We’ll get our choice back. We’ll get our happiness back. And when we do, we’ll have Peace. Until then, we never stop fighting for it.