Well, the day has arrived. Today, I have been dropped from my insurance. My birthday is in a few days ( Thursday). I am turning 26. Can you believe that. I feel like i stopped aging at 22 when life took a turn. That is when my father first fell ill. My fiance shortly after. I feel like life hasn’t progressed much after that. Yet, numbers never lie. There it is. 26. Time , with or without me, has surely kept moving forward.

Lately, I have been so stressed out. Usually, I would just tackle one thing at a time. However, I feel I’m lost in the fog. I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t been doing anything. What it comes down to, i feel defeated.

Karma, good, right, decisions

Source

I have not had one peaceful week in a long time. I can’t even remember the last time there was ONE week without drama, an incident or an illness. Is one blissful week too much to ask for?

I just feel like the people around me are achieving and granted various things. I don’t wish unwell on people but I’m bitter at the lack of effort and the ease in which others are gaining their desires. I gladly work hard, sacrifice and crawl on nails for what I want, for the people I love. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I”m old fashioned in believing in the struggle, in believing in working hard for your needs and wants. I wouldn’t feel deserving or satisfied any other way. However, it’s the WHY that bothers me. Why do good people have to go through so, so much? How come the assholes have life handed to them on a silver platter?

It makes me wonder about Karma. I do believe in Karma. It makes me wonder what kind of atrocities I did in a past live to be SO close to peace and happiness and never obtain it. It makes me wonder if my happy go luckily attitude and positively and optimism is misplaced. Maybe, I’m just naive. Maybe, I’m not cut throat enough.

In the end I feel defeated because that’s WHO i am. I’m good. I care. I’m loyal. I don’t see myself getting ahead in life with the way things are now. I just want my hubby to be healthy and happy and have a little place of our own away from drama with our dog. Our little family. I don’t care if I have to work two or three jobs. I just want our little slice of bliss. But because of who I fundamentally am, i feel obligated to stay in my household. They cannot manage without me. I feel obligated to stay at my job. All of upper management comes to me with anything related to Levi’s jeans, inventory, stock, sales, visual, security concerns. I’m the go to person. But working there is holding me back. I do not earn enough working part time to do much of anything,let alone pay bills and be independent.

This is just my emotional venting posting, to get all this negativity and doubt out of my system. I’m been absent from blogging because of life and stress. I have been binge watching TV shows. I’m all caught up on Game of Thrones. I’m up to season three of Once Upon a Time.

Changes need to happen. Today, i will continue to mope. I have some ice cream in the freezer and Hulu on standby.

I hope to get this out of my system. Maybe I can start the new week, my birthday week, with some new-found resolution. I don’t know. All I know is life is making it hard to believe Good always wins.

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Comments
  1. ISpontein says:

    We’ve to fight because we can fight. Something achieved with hardship is always valued more. And if you believe in Karma so much, then think it this way. All your -ve deeds are balanced now so that you won’t have to bother later. Never give up. It’s not worth it. 🙂

    Like

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