Letting Go

Posted: October 1, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Frozen , Adult Version Parody

Sometimes in life things just pile up. For a while now, a long while now… I’ve been in the denial/ ignorance is bliss mindset. Out of sight, out of mind. I’ve let things pile up and up and up.

You see, when I was 22 and shit first hit the fan with my dad getting sick and becoming his primary care taker and not continuing on with school to stay home and help out… I was thrust into the adult role. I was the calm rational one. Shortly after the hubby fell ill with his Brain Cancer. And it’s been a ping pong back and forth and back and forth.

But you know what, it was always immediate action. It’s like the forms you fill out at the doctor’s office or on a job application. Just a check off a little box if it applies. That’s what it was like running the household and being a caretaker, everything was immediate and instant. Someone was sick. Get them help. Have a symptom, get it treated. Keep them alive, right now. Set up appointments/treatments, get them there.Ā  Check Check Check. Everything was clear and concise.

It was all very precise in a weird way.

When i started working, it was out of desperation. I needed some money to buy basic everyday things. With my dad medically retiring and my hubby out on disability there wasn’t much money coming in. And my dad and hubby were well enough to be able to not die for a several hours while I was away at work.

So that was me, the calm and rational one. I got things done. I took care of everyone and everything.

I realized i had no end game. I had no plan. And I’ve let myself become stuck in the everyday continuous monotony of life.

I’m no longer calm and rational.

And I realized it’s because i don’t have the immediate intensity pressuring me anymore. Sure, alot is still on my shoulders. I still take care of my dad and my hubby. But, there are no longer ( knocks on wood , don’t want to jinx anything) in immediate danger of dying.

So we reached the long-term state of things and I haven’t the slightest fucking clue of what to do. For them. For myself.

And my job. My lovely fucking job. Maybe it was the people, or maybe it’s just I’m so caring. No really, not sarcastic. I care. It’s my greatest flaw. I care about those fucks in that store even though I don’t want too. And being in my own “department” it invoked this sense of pride and territorial possessiveness. But all of that, I was content. I liked my job.

I fell complacent in that role.

But recently, hours cuts, favoritism running rampant in the store and just bullshit politics I’ve had enough.

So my bubble of bliss and ignorance burst.
And I said

FUCK IT all, like the song says.

 

I actually called out of work one day. Me. Never late, never missed a day. I called out. With the hubby and his insurance issues and his health and the government trying to turn of his disability… I hate to walk into that store and have petty work politics stressing me out. It all just resonated within me and finally my bubble of bliss burst.

The last connection I hate to that store has been severed.

I let it go. The emotional connection I used to have. It’s gone.

It’s all gone.

 

I let it go.

Now, I’m left with this emptiness, this uncertainty of what the fuck am I doing with my life. What do i want to do. What will make me happy?

I have no clue.

But I’m no longer being complacent about it. I’m not walking around in a bubble anymore.

I now opened up opportunities for myself t be proactive.

We only get one life. We have to make it matter.

SO.

Fuck it all.

Be happy.

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Comments
  1. “We only get one life. We have to make it matter.” that about sums it up. I wish you the very best. šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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