Archive for December, 2015

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Hopeless

Posted: December 30, 2015 in Uncategorized
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I feel like my emotions are clawing to get out.

Now, for people that know me in real life, I’ve always been the hippy happy go lucky gal. Sure,  I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to get fiesty. I’m a Gemini after all.

But, once you become a caretaker things change.

They are the priority. So often, the hubby struggles with everyday tasks. Day in and day out imagine living your youth in pain, inside.

Imagine not being able to pursue your passions. He was a laborer, a mechanic.
The doctors told him it’s not condusive to his condition. They told him to try a desk job, but he can only look at a computer screen for an hour before it tires his brain, strains his eyes and hello stutter and migraine.

The doctors say ” no limitations…BUT”…

There is always a but. Always a hold up, wait. A catch.

They say he can walk BUT he will tire easily. They said he can work out BUT lightly. They say he can lift things BUT up to ten pounds cause after that it can cause strain to his head. They say he can go out in the sun BUT keep his head wrapped and the sun will cause a headache. They they gave up and told him don’t bother to go out in the cold, he’s fucked.

It’s absolutely frustrating.

To see someone you love with so much potential, so much to offer the world, and just struggle to make it through the day. And to be here and just be so helpless.

For the first time, ever, I’m actually starting to feel hopeless. The light at the end of the tunnel is starting to feel further and further away.

Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. And ungrateful.

The hubby has over come and withstood a lot. He is alive. He survived. Words can’t express how appreciative I am for that.

I guess my dilemma is I’m done being content.

I want peace and health and happiness for the hubby.

I want better for us.

I bust my ass every single day to try to provide our own futures, to make our own slice of better.

But, we’re not experiencing better. It’s all just.. ..the same. Some days it’s worse. But mostly,  it’s just the same.

And I’m losing hope that things will ever be different.

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Hope everyone is having a happy holiday.    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Well, my night is just starting. Tr grown up party is about to start Lol. Tequila tequilaaa

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Merry Christmas WordPress!  I wish everyone a happy and healthy day! Big hugs to everyone!

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*images plucked from Google images searching Christmas tag.

Somber

Posted: December 20, 2015 in Uncategorized
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I got sad news the other day. I was hopeful for a good outcome. It has left me feeling somber and reflective.

And I’ve been pouring that into the Christmas spirit.

I bought some lights and strung it above my door to my room

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I redid my Christmas corner.  I bought little presents and snow and added it the display.

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I bought Christmas stockings,  one for me and one for the hubby. Of course I got stuffers for them too. (Didn’t take a picture)

Then the bestie came over and we attempted to make a gingerbread cottage.

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My side

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Her side

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Front

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Back

I bought Christmas cards and candy canes. Today I plan to write out cards and finish wrapping gifts.

This week, I will attend a funeral for a dear lady that helped me become an adult.  She always took the time to explain and make sure us young folk were informed of the options and choices we had with benefits, 401k, stocks and investments and pto. She always took into consideration your personal life and tried her best to accomadate you with your schedule.  When I was stuck in an elevator for 45 mintues, she was the first face I saw and gave me the biggest hug.  In a retail store, having a boss that cares is hard to come by. If she was assigned to my case when I took a leave of absence for the hubby’s surgery,  I may still be working there. But, because someone else was in charge of my case, I was treated with such disgrace it’s what prompted me to resign and cut the strings. Had I had here, I know she would of hugged me and cried with me and made sure I was take care of.

The world lost a good soul yesterday.

She will be forever missed.

But, she will also be the joy behind this Christmas season.

Did a return trip to Bryant Park

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Close up of the tree

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The merry go round, tent up cause of the rain

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The market stores

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Rainy day

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Little decor

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Bryant restaurant

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Santa's chair

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Close up of the decorations

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Hey ya’ll! Here’s a snap and walk tour from Manhattan Mall to Bryant Park.

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I missed the side of the macy’s building last time I was there. When you get the train station and look up that’s one of the first things you see.

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Manhattan Mall Christmas Tree

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Made me do a double take. Haters gunna hate.

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Chick fil a came to new York.  The line is out the store and around the block.  What the hell!

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Bryant Park tiny tree

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Fountain in Bryant Park

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Winter Wonderland Bryant Park shops around the park.

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Ice skating rink

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Buffing the ice. Brand new.

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Old school bus

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Bank of America Building nicely decorated.

Growing up in New York, you become desensitized to people asking for money. I ride the train everyday, several times and several different lines.

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I can point out people that are asking for money on different subway lines. I’ve seen the same people ,day in and day out, ask for money…for almost ten years. Since I was in highshool and started taking the trains, I cross path with the very same people.

One incident that stands out. I used to attend Hunter College. The station that was directly in front of the college I would pass a lady every morning. She would “sit” there with her cup displayed and her head bowed. From her appearance,  she looked like she had a leg amputated(from the way she arranged her skirts one leg showed one didn’t).  I never thought anything foul of it. To me, it was just sad and sometimes I would sometimes toss the change I received after buying coffee.

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Not the lady I'm talking about. But this lady was on the news. Turns out, was a young girl in her 20's. When she gets out of the area she works, she walks upright. Takes the top layer of clothes off and gets in a car and drives to a nice area.

I had a normal morning /after noon schedule while in that college. Sometimes, I would stay a little extra doing this and that. But,  I never stayed too late.

She was always there when I left in the afternoon/early evening.  Same position.  Sitting. Head bowed. Silent.

One day, I attended a late event nearby the college. The closest trian happened to be the station in front the college. I remember skipping down the stairs with a slight buzz and ears ringing from a night filled with laughter. As I was nearing the end of the staircase, I seen the form of this lady. My smiled faded from my face and my steps slowed. It was so late and she’s still here?

Right in front of me, she got up. She had two legs. She walked without alignment.  As she quickly walked passed me she tossed a smallback stuffed with bills and change over her shoulder.

Since then,  I have not given money to people on the street.

I offer food/water if I have on me . Most turn it down. That’s how you know, a lot of people begging for money have ulterior motives. You’re saying” can you spare change for food ” and I’m offering you sealed/unopened /uneaten food and you decline?

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There was a video floating around Facebook making fun or people asking for money on the train. As soon as one solicitor  left the train, another boarded. Each person more outrageous then the previous. It was hilarious to us new yorkers because that’s what we see,  day in and day out.

When I leave work on time , I see two young children maybe five and eight years old. They carry boxes of snacks and they rake in the money. Most people look at two young kids alone on the train and go awe, and our imagination of horror stories go wild in our head and we open our wallets and buy welches grape snacks when we hate the flavor grape. Bleeding hearts we are.  To the untrained eye, it’s two young kids alone on a big scary train.

But to the person that takes the same train everyday, I see the father enter the train from different doors and stand at the end of the cart. I see them get off the next stop,  and enter the next cart through separate doors.

It’s a hustle.

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That’s what we see everyday. People hustling.

That’s why New Yorkers become jaded.

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Then today, something happened.I was on the train with my group on an outing.

A man walks onto the train, smiling.

He doesn’t say a word. He’s holding a violin.

Without a word,  he began playing.

He played Christmas songs, beautifully so. 

When we finished playing, he bowed his head and held his hat out and I gave him a dollar.

My clients asked me why I gave him money. I told them I liked the music.

For the rest of the train ride,  I was reflective on why I chose to give this guy money.

I think because there was no show, no gimmick.  He just played. He did give a sob story. He didn’t try to convice us he’s trying to stay off the streets. He didnr tell us they need money for basket uniforms.

He just played.

And that’s New York. The City that never sleeps. If the desire so fits, you can hop a train and set off on exploration.   Just cause.

I awoke this morning with a little less moaning and groaning. The thought of it being Friday was like an expresso shot of energy.

Working retail for three years, weekend is usually the start of my work week. I’m used to being off Wednesday and Thursday and waking up Friday to start my work week.

It’s been three months since I’ve left retail and I still have moments of denial.  I wake up with a start some Saturdays like oh shit! Imma be late!

It’s been a grueling work week. I’m supposed to get off at 3pm. Everyday this week the earliest I’ve got home is 6pm.  And I’ve been taking work home with me.

With staff out, incidents and events left and right, it’s been an overwhelming week.

So the thought of it being Friday put a smile on my face. For once, I wasn’t stuck in the retail mind set. After today, I have the weekend off.

So,  with a little less kicking and grumbling,  I went about my morning routine. I checked the weather and it said a high of 60 today! I planned to leave the bulkly jacket home and just put on a favorite hoody and walk off into the sunset.

Imagine my surprise when I opened my front door and saw this:

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It’s misty and foggy as hell. These pictures don’t capture the full effect.  So,  I had to go back inside for a jacket.
My grumpy walk to the train station.

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Sometimes we take the little things for granted.  But, if we add up all the little things, it can make something truly beautiful.