Hopeless

Posted: December 30, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I feel like my emotions are clawing to get out.

Now, for people that know me in real life, I’ve always been the hippy happy go lucky gal. Sure,  I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to get fiesty. I’m a Gemini after all.

But, once you become a caretaker things change.

They are the priority. So often, the hubby struggles with everyday tasks. Day in and day out imagine living your youth in pain, inside.

Imagine not being able to pursue your passions. He was a laborer, a mechanic.
The doctors told him it’s not condusive to his condition. They told him to try a desk job, but he can only look at a computer screen for an hour before it tires his brain, strains his eyes and hello stutter and migraine.

The doctors say ” no limitations…BUT”…

There is always a but. Always a hold up, wait. A catch.

They say he can walk BUT he will tire easily. They said he can work out BUT lightly. They say he can lift things BUT up to ten pounds cause after that it can cause strain to his head. They say he can go out in the sun BUT keep his head wrapped and the sun will cause a headache. They they gave up and told him don’t bother to go out in the cold, he’s fucked.

It’s absolutely frustrating.

To see someone you love with so much potential, so much to offer the world, and just struggle to make it through the day. And to be here and just be so helpless.

For the first time, ever, I’m actually starting to feel hopeless. The light at the end of the tunnel is starting to feel further and further away.

Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. And ungrateful.

The hubby has over come and withstood a lot. He is alive. He survived. Words can’t express how appreciative I am for that.

I guess my dilemma is I’m done being content.

I want peace and health and happiness for the hubby.

I want better for us.

I bust my ass every single day to try to provide our own futures, to make our own slice of better.

But, we’re not experiencing better. It’s all just.. ..the same. Some days it’s worse. But mostly,  it’s just the same.

And I’m losing hope that things will ever be different.

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