I’m a bit behind on the blogging challenge.
I hope to catch up tomorrow. I.o.u day 15 (yesterday’s) and day 16 (today’s). Things are a little hectic at home with my dad being in the hospital.
Day 12: Bullet point your whole day
I’m going to bullet point yesterday because today is errand day and I slept a big chuck of the morning.
That was my day is bullet points.
Happy Mother’s Day to all my lovely readers!
Even if your mother is different from the traditional sense.
All of this makes for a true mother. They come in all shapes and sizes. A true mother loves you unconventionally , unconditionally. They endure, they struggle, they overcome. They are patient and kind when it matters most. They are supportive . They are imperfect too. But, that is okay. Because that’s what makes them special.
Happy Mother’s Day , to whatever kind of mother you are! In the end, it doesn’t matter what kind of mother you are. As long as your child thinks of you as a mother in a positive light, then that’s all that matters.
February B4 Peace Post
“We’ve been blogging for peace for over a year, so I’m going to push you with this challenge. This month, I want you to focus on your family. Is there anyone you don’t fully embrace in your family? Do you feel resentment, shame, or anger towards someone blood-related?
Yep, I went there. Let’s deal with it. This months challenge is to make peace in yourself with someone close to you”
I harbor bitter resentment to my family. I have never met people more selfish and condescending then these family members. Just thinking of them leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
For people that know me in real life, they know I’m a happy go lucky person. Life has hardened me and made me realistic. But, even still, I’m an optimist. I like to give
a million second chances. I like to think the best of people. Most of all, i try not judge. I may not necessarily agree but to each their own.
When it comes to these family members though? I can’t help all the resentment I have in my heart. Maybe it’s because they are family i expect them to be better people, considerate people.
My parents own a house. It’s a two family house. We rent the first floor apartment. We rent to family. Back around 93′ my uncle was deported. He had to spend 2 years in Guyana while he waited for his green card. During that time my mother lowered the rent for my aunt. She lowered it to 300 dollars. For a two bedroom first floor apartment with a living room, dinning room , kitchen and bathroom. My aunt works a good job, in a police department doing payroll. She could have easily afforded a higher rent but being family my mother was being considerate. Both my mom and dad worked good jobs at the time ( my mother worked for Coca Cola and my dad for a crayon company RoseArt). We weren’t rich or wealthy but my parents were work-a-holics and they didn’t live paycheck to paycheck. They were comfortable. I got an allowance. Plus, i grew up when children were still children, if i wanted a book, we went to the library. We didn’t have all these gadgets and devices that kids have no a days. I played outside in dirt, climbed fences and stayed outside until the street lights came on. But, i digress, that’s a topic for a different post.
Because they were family, my mother tried to be supportive. When my uncle returned from Guyana it took him awhile before he started working, but he finally did get a job. And my mother let them still pay the reduced rent for a few of his paychecks and let them stable out.
My family downstairs then paid 700 dollars rent until around 2000 something. Then my mother asked for them to pay 50 dollars extra for the raising cost of the water bill.
By this time my dad was no longer working his good factory job. The factory closed down and relocated to Mexico. My mother was given a service package from her good job and she trained her replacement before she got let go. They hired a fresh out of community college student, and were going to pay that person half of what my mother made. My took her service package and left. She bounced around jobs until she found the job she has now. It’s half of what she used to make, but still in the upper teens per hour.
My dad opened a deli around 2002. My parents cashed out everything they had to pay for it, retirements, 401k’s , my college fund (they didn’t have much for that much still).
The deli was burned down the same year.
That’s when my dad became a Taxi Driver and drove a cab until he got sick in 2010.
So while my parents lost their comfortable lifestyle, they went to struggling to maintain their mortgage payments. They never raised my Aunt’s rent. Even though by this time my two cousins were grown adults and working, my aunt still works her police job and my uncle works two part time jobs. All because they’re family.
In 2010 when my dad got sick, my mother raised my Aunt’s rent. 100 dollars. My mother had to take out a extended mortgage on the house that was almost paid off because they couldn’t make the mortgage payments without my dad’s income. Imagine that, being 2 years away from paying off the house you have been making timely payments on for 20 years. Then to have to have a loan company buy out your mortgage and have a payment contract with them for 8 years. My mother pays half of what the mortgage used to be, but so many years left on contract. To be in your 50’s and 60’s and instead of making retirement plans, they are making payment plans for a house that was almost paid off.
My parents just can’t afford the raising cost of living in NY. My job wont offer me full time, and do i take gamble of trying to get another job that may not keep me past the 3 month probation? How am i supposed to be work to become independent and even if that was possible ( having a job able to live on my own with Omar) how can my parents make do without me?
It’s a struggle for my family.
We just cannot afford the cost of living in NY.
Everyday I go to work my little retail job just to make enough to pay a little phone bill , buy a little groceries and I have to walk by my family downstairs. 3 brand new cars. They receive packages every other day, from name brand companies. They have all the latest tech gear. Iphones, tablets, laptops, desktop computers, flat screen tvs. They have multiples of it all. They shop daily. They order food daily. Even my cousin, who is so bitter and negative has landed a good job. It’s like that whole side of the family has this luck. They are nasty, selfish, greedy people and yet they have all this success.
While good people like my parents struggle.
My mother made a proposition to my family downstairs about 9 months. She told them she needs a tenant to pay 1000 in rent. It’s up to them if they want to pay or move. They said they were going to move. My mother told them the new year ( which was 2014). They still live downstairs. They still pay 850 dollars in rent.
Not only does my mother not have the heart to kick them because they are family, but she is scared too as well. My mother DEPENDS on the rent check to make the loan payment for the mortgage and other bills. What if we get a tenant that stiffs us on the rent? What if it takes a month to find a tenant?
That first floor apartment can easily be rented for 1,400 and real estate agent even suggested we rent it for 1,800 since it is a two bedroom with two private entrances ( so they do not even have to enter my house to go to their apartment). With that kind of rent money , my parents wouldn’t have to struggle so hard. I could put some money in my empty bank account .
But, we continue to struggle while my family downstairs live a frivolous lifestyle.
And its more than just the stiffing us on paying more rent or being considerate. They treat you like dirt. They look down on you. They judge. They are so negative. Growing up, my cousin and I used to be like best friends. But now? I don’t even send her text messages and when she invites to me hang out , most of the time i decline. Or i just pop by and keep it brief. You cannot even have a conversation with her. She is closed minded and judgmental.
I can’t be around people like that.
Yet, i harbor all this bitterness, jealousy and resentment towards them in my heart.
Hating them is tainting my heart. My positivity.
So, I’m going to try to let it go. I’m going to let THEM go.
I believe in Karma. I will try to live my best in positivity and let that good energy come back to me. I need to empty my heart of negativity.
Just because you are blood, doesn’t mean you are family. I can choose to look at these family members as just strangers. I am choosing too look at them and not wish them unwell. Live and let live. They put out such negativity and that is their problem and karma will take care of it.
I just choose to let go.
I’m a good person and I’m going to focus on GOOD people and good things and let that goodness fill me up.
As per Bloggers for Peace spirit, here another bloggers for peace:
So yeah my readers, it is my birthday. I celebrated last night with several cups of whiskey and laying in bed reading a good book.
Call me lame, but it was divine. I have been working extra shifts and yesterday was my first day off in a week so I was ( and am) super drained and tired. I’m off today too but I work opening shift tomorrow so early night and earlier raising is in my future
Just wanted to let you all know I’m alive and well and share in my bday happiness.
This may be a little TMI but mother nature gave me a present this morning. My female time of the month arrived early. I was complaining to the hubby and he said to me ” Hey mother nature gave you the best gift ever, you are not with child”. I couldn’t agree more and so my attitude is turned around and i’m back on the happy track.
Enjoy your day loves! I know I owe you all lots of posts and I will get to it soon i promise! With the extra shifts at work I just havent had the time. But things should slow back down.
We’ll talk soon my readers!
I went to the store the other day to pick up a mother’s day card. I’m not very close with my mother. We don’t agree on alot and we are from radically different moral codes and beliefs. We aren’t sentimental and lovey dovey. So, as i was picking up card after card of mushy sentimental stuff I kept returning them to the stands.
The fiancée wandered off and came back with his basket full of treats and laughs at me struggling to pick out a card. He laughs and tells me to just fake it.
So, i found the least sentimental card and went to check out.
I love my mom. Deep down, like way deep down, she is a good person. Life and obstacles has made her hard, but she needed to be. especially after my dad fell sick. I just disconnect with her because of her money driven motives. I can understand and sympathize with the stress and worry about old age and what not. But, her drive for “reputation” and greed and using even us ( me) kids is what really makes me distant from her.
She is way crazy at times.
There has been many many times we just wanted to spike her drink. Or have her take a toke of weed to mellow out. Seriously thought about it.
I remember once all of us were driven outside away from my mother’s wrath of craziness. My aunt comes over to tell us to go easy on my mother. We all kind of make faces and my aunt says
“hey listen , she is the glue that holds the family together?”
We all just look at her like really now?
So my aunt says
“OKAY okay, she may be crazy glue, but she still is the glue!”
And it’s true. My mother is nuts. She is crazy. We don’t agree on ALOT. I don’t want to grow up and be like her in morals when I’m older. But, she is my mother. And she has been there when it matters most. She has provided and sacrificed and most importantly BEEN there.
So, I love my crazy mother. I wish her a happy mother’s day.
To all my readers and followers, Happy mother’s to you or your mommas! Life isn’t always picture perfect. But we have to remember and be grateful for those in our lives, even if they are a little crazy. Some people don’t have parents and so we should acknowledge our parents may not be perfect, but if they are there that is worth something too.
7. You happen upon an anonymous blog full of writing, quotes, images and even music, which are uncannily similar to all your own interests, opinions and taste. It’s like this person has seen inside your head. You contact the owner to find out more, and the owner replies, “I am you.” Write about the experience.
This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 7. If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.
So what would i do if I stumbled upon a blog that was the mirror image of my own and have the owner respond ” I am you”? I don’t know what I would do. I’ll probably shit a brick as the initial shock hits me.
I do believe in weird. I believe in supernatural and I just believe there is more out there in the world than we see with our eyes. So of course I would entertain the notion it was some form of myself. Maybe a former piece of my self or better yet my future self writing back to me. Maybe it is me from an alternate dimension.
I mean who’s to say it’s NOT me? If i had a mental disorder like having different personalities maybe it was another side of me and I have no recollection of that side or having that. Maybe I have an alter.
But, everything doesn’t need to be so dramatic and drastic. It doesn’t have to be some medical induced answer or some ethereal or sinister answer.
It could very be me, but not me at the same time. I could have a soul sister out there in the world. You know there is a superstitious belief that we ALL have a twin in the world. Not a biological twin. Just a spirit twin. About the same age and uncanny resemblance and same personality. Alot of people believe, even if born on opposite sides of the world, we are born as twins.
The lore on twins is wide. You’ve heard of some. Some people believe we are twins and one is evil and one is good.
Some people believe twins are counterparts ( either male or female or same gendered) and the twin is actually our soul mate and we spend our lives searching for our twin, for our one true love.
Biology and genetics be damned. This is omnipotent stuff here. It’s a belief that somewhere out there in the world there is someone just like ourselves. And is that really a silly belief?
I don’t think so. We all go through life wishing for acceptance and assurance of others with similarities to our own interests and beliefs.
So if a blog owner responds to me “I am you” who am I to dismiss that? It may very well me my soul sister.
And how do you greet a sister?
By saying hi back….
“This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 10.
If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as state above) to abide by copyright laws.”
10. Sit alone and in complete silence doing nothing for 5 minutes. (Make sure that you time it.) Mute your phone, make sure there are no distractions and no noise. Don’t sing, whistle or talk to yourself. There must be silence. No visual distractions either, e.g. reading, magazines, computer, muted TV, etc. Have nothing in your hands and don’t fidget. Do not meditate or close your eyes. Just sit in complete silence doing nothing. When 5 minutes have passed, write about the experience. How did you feel and what were you thinking? If you thought, “I feel ridiculous” or “This is pointless,” explain why.
When I read through the list of challenge question, I thought I would save this one for last.
I’m a punk. I’ve been in a funk and been avoiding my thoughts. My feelings.
Sitting in silence with no background music or tv? No books? That left just me. And my feelings.
I didn’t want to go there.
I had all intentions of saving this for last. But, I inadvertently did this challenge.
I was dragging my feet all afternoon, in a mood and brooding about going to work. I just wanted to stay in bed and force cuddles out of Bianca(my dog) and Omar(hubby). Just lay there watching crap reality tv and maybe eating a pint of ice cream.
But atlas, I need to work( I actually LIKE to work). So I’m getting ready and I go downstairs and my dad is heading out. He wants to run to the store. So I tell him to go and he should be back in time for me to leave to head to work. I’m sitting with my jacket and purse strapped on and absently petting Bianca.
Of course once she realizes I’m not leaving she moves away and I’m left just sitting there.
Tv is off. No music. My phone in my pocket. The ring of silence echos in the room. I started having imaginary conversations. I do that a lot. I was thinking about going to work and who might be working and what I would say to them if i see them and they speak to me. Nothing major. Just a general “hi tasha” “hi whatever your names is!” “How are you today?!” “I’m just fine thanks!” That sort of stuff.
Somewhere in the middle of my imaginary conversations I realized this is a prime time to do the challenge. I’m already sitting her with no distractions.
So I take a deep breath and shut my eyes breathing out deeply. I open my eyes and continue sitting there.
My mind is absolutely racing. Random thoughts. Work that needs to be done. I was thinking of what I was going to do after work. The errands I need to do. I was planning the stops at the store I would make.
I shake my head. Stop thinking.
I breathed deeply. And just listened.
I heard a distinct bouncing of a basketball. The neighbor’s kid. They play basketball all times, all seasons. The ball dribbles and dribbles and I hear it. I heard cars zooming by sporadically. Then the TV crackles. It’s off but my dad always has its own. After it’s shut down after being on for so long it always makes noises. The hubby told me it’s the plastic relaxing. He said with the heat and electricity it expands and when it cools offs sometimes it makes a crackle noise while it returns to normal form.
I thought of that.
I sat there and eventually the tornado in my brain and random bits of analyzing everything around me began to slow.
As the seconds ticked by, the thoughts …and feelings…faded.
I stopped thinking. My shoulders sagged in relief.
I breathed a deep breathe. It was refreshing.
I sat there the dribble of the basketball from outside penetrated my ears and the rings of silence from the room becoming louder.
I began to feel sleepy.
My five minutes were up.
I still sat there.
I let my head loll forwards to rest on the fluff of my coat collar.
I heard the front door opening. My dog woke up and started barking and running towards the front door. My dad began crooning to her.
I heaved myself up. Adjusted the strap on of my purse and walked towards the stairs. It was peaceful. Refreshing in a away. Ironic too. I have been having terrible insomnia. So it figures I would do this and end up feeling relieved, relaxed and sleepy.
So, it was peaceful while it lasted. But now I’m going to need to stop for coffee before my work shift.
That’s the end of the challenge part, but I’m going to write a bit more because it’s related, sort of.
I always plan to get to work at least an hour early. Usually an hour and a half early i get there. So I have time to read my book for awhile , away from my house and all its distractions and decompress a bit from all the hustle and bustle of everything. Then half hour to smoke my ciggy, use the restroom , and fix my hair and makeup and that sort of thing.
So today is no different. It’s 4pm and I don’t start work till 6. I hop off the bus and instead of walking to the middle entrance of the mall from the outside, I walk straight into the front entrance. I weave my way through throngs of people and make my way straight to the back where Dunking Doughnuts is. It’s a side wing to the mall really. It immediately gets quieter with each step towards D&D. I order a medium coffee and when I get my coffee I use the side entrance door right there.
It isn’t really populated this part of the mall, this entrance. It has old stone steps and I take a seat on the steps. Across the street is a track and the middle of the track is grass used for sports like baseball and soccer. I sit there and un-lid my coffee to let some steam out. It’s a little chilly but the cold doesn’t bother me much. I sip my coffee and then put the lid back on.
Sure there are cars but it isn’t as loud as the front of the mall. People walk by but sporadically and it’s a sole person not a gaggle of teenagers or mothers towing a row of children.
Then, I had a memory. Of sitting there before.
I sat there before. Doing the same thing. Seeking solace. I sat there and drank from a water bottle. A water bottle filled with liquor, 99 apples.
I remember that day. I left my house to avoid running into family , so I left just before my dad would be coming home from work. But, I wasn’t due to meet my friends till later and I didn’t particularly have anywhere to go, anyone to see. So I sat there and sipped liquor from my water bottle and puffed on ciggys.
I stared across the street to the track, like I was doing in the present, and just allowed myself to be surrounded by calm and silence.
Presently, I sit there thinking how nice it is. A little chill running through me. I sat there savoring my coffee and savoring the silence. I pulled out a ciggy and smoked it to the filter. Then, reluctant, I pulled myself to my feet.
I open the mall doors and sighed.
The noise immediately penetrates the haze of peace the silence brought me. It’s almost obnoxious.
From Cheri’s Blog Challenge :Step-2…“SEPARATED AT BIRTH”, Min. of 500 words…You just discovered I am your twin sister. We were separated at birth. You never knew you had a twin sister and have only found me in adulthood…how did you find out and what happens next? Is it like looking in a mirror?
I always wanted to go on a cross country road trip. I didn’t know it would be like this. My passenger seat is empty. My phone half dying. No charger. God knows what I packed in my Jan Sport backpack. Think I emptied my underwear draw put I can’t recall putting any pants in there.
That’s all there is. No flurry of friends in the backseat. No fast food and ice coffee cups littering the floor. No music pumping and giddy excitement as I exit the I95 onto the I80, the highway to take me out of New York and on open road across the country.
“Shit!”I exclaimed as a car horn blares and I jerk the wheel to the left to swerve back in my lane.
“Get it together” I say to myself, “If you die they win”.
They. My parents.
Thinking of them blurs my visions. My cheeks flush as rage shimmers deep in my heart.
25 years old, just graduated college and finally after months of on sabbatical, I started interning at a great non-profit …aka couldn’t get a paying job after college.
I have lived and went through 25 years.
And it is 25 years they have lied to me.
I was trying to be a good adult. A good daughter. I figured it was about time I organized all my paperwork. You know, doing my taxes on my own ( all 200 bucks I got back from seasonal hire for the campus bookstore). Renewing a passport I never used. I was searching for my birth certificate to put in this fancy new keypad lock box that is supposedly fireproof. I wanted to tuck it in there nicely with my social security card and …well not much else. Like I said, young and living under my parent’s financial burden. But, I’m trying. Trying to be an adult and less of a burden. I figured I should be responsible for my own paperwork safekeeping.
I was about to give up looking when finally under a pile of tax folders I found a vanilla envelope with my name on it. I opened it up and there it was. My birth certificate. I never looked at it before. I mean sure I saw it before. But I never looked at. I needed it to get a permit from the DMV of course. But I was 16 and my dad was towing me around from line to line cursing and I was texting pretending I wasn’t with him. He handled talking to the dmv agent and when we finished and my dad needed to use the restroom I didn’t even open the folder. I was texting my best friend complaining how horrible I thought my picture was going to be.
So naturally, I saw my birth certificate and I was looking it over. And the words started to blur as one seemed to jump off the page.
Thinking it was a mistake I slumped on the floor and put the paper flat on the floor and read each word slowly even the heading “certificate of birth”.
But each time I came upon the word, it didn’t change. Twin. Second.
My parents found me like that. In the living on the floor next to the filing cabinet with all the tax papers sprawled about.
Like in a movie, their eyes zoomed in onto the sole paper in front of me. The sag of their shoulders and the look of defeat in their eyes told me all I needed to know.
I’m a twin.
“Sweetie” my mom uttered the word and her speech faded out with it. She knew there was no words.
No words could cover for 25 years of lies.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I could barely find my voice.
“Alive?” I asked surprised to find my voice completely dead pan.
They looked at each other.
That is when the red started to cloud my vision.
“Alive?” I asked again suddenly upright standing on my feet clutching my birth certificate so hard I caused a crease .
Their eyes held pity. Which caused the red to burst.
“Is my twin alive?” I couldn’t believe how disconnected my voice sounded. Like I was detached and cold.
“Y-Yes” My mother stumbles in response, her jacket still on and dropping her purse on the floor outstretching her hand to me. To comfort me.
Comfort me from her lies? For 25 years.
I twirl away from her and an onslaught of words, no longer deadpan, spill from my mouth. Driven by rage I begin to say “ All this time?” “All this fucking time?!” “Where is she?” “Does she know about me?”
My mom slumps in a chair and I can’t stand to look at them anymore. I turn to the window, blood boiling.
When I was 5 I used to fall down and get scrapes and bruises and it never hurt. I remember asking “why isn’t it hurting momma?” and she would rush me to the ER thinking I had a nerve damage or a concussion. Then at random times I would awake from a nap screaming in pain when seemingly nothing touched me. More ER rushes looking for a neurological disorder.
I had an imaginary friend like most kids do. Only I called mine my sister. And when I grew up enough to know imaginary friends aren’t real, I still talked aloud to the empty air. I felt, someone was listening.
I grew up thinking I was crazy. I grew up thinking I was alone.
While the memories came back, my mother’s words penetrated me. They were young and couldn’t afford two babies and so gave one up for adoption. She, my sister ( God I have a sister! ) contacted them when she(when we!) turned 18. They get a Christmas card every year but asked her to stay away from me.
I walked out the room in the middle of her speech and straight into my mother’s bed room . My mother keeps every single card she ever gotten in a big wicker basket on top of her dresser. I picked up the basket and dumped it on the bed.
I hear sobs from the living room.
I toss cards around until I find the one I need. Still in the envelope. California address. I dash into my room and stuff my Jan Sport Backpack. Grab my phone and on the way out the door I grab the car keys.
That’s how I found myself on the highway embarked on a cross country road trip.
To meet my Twin.
I shake my head to ward off the memory of this morning. If I think of them, I’ll never make it there. I let out a breath so deep it was like my soul crying out. That release helped the red fade away and I sat up straight and put both hands on the wheel. I can’t meet my twin if I die in a car crash on the highway.
Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope everyone had a very special Christmas!
Today, my only day off, i woke up extra early because my doggie woke me up. After I walked her she ditched me and went straight back to sleep. I , however, cannot fall back asleep so i made coffee and discovered I was out of coffee creamer. Had a lazy morning on facebook and wordpress. Showered and dressed in my favorite PJS.
Yup, it’s that type of Christmas. So tired from work. No dressing up or frilly-ness this year. It was liberating to be honest.
My mother had the pork in the oven cooking since the wee hours of the morning. When i came downstairs after showering all i see was SMOKE. So my hubby opens the over and in his words “FLAMES ALMOST HIT ME IN THE FACE!” ….lol! It wasn’t that bad. It was a small grease fire. But even i exclaimed on face book this morning ” my mother almost set the house ablaze”.
Then i wrapped my brother’s Christmas gifts for him. I wrap them for him every year and all week I was chuckling because he was like a lost puppy trying to figure out how he was going to wrap his gifts this year since I would not be able too because of my work schedule. I tried to tell him to shop early before my schedule gets crazy so I could wrap them but, boys… they never listen. He attempted to wrap them himself last night…it was just sad. He put my sister’s gifts in a gift bag… and thats it. No tissue paper or nothing( Mine was like that too). He wrapped one sole gift for his godson and it was just a mess. I took pity on him and I told him i would wrap the rest in the morning which i did.
As soon as i finished wrapping we went to open presents lol. I dressed my doggie up in her Christmas costume.
Then we all ate a feast around lunch time
Family arrived and it was a whirlwind of people. Everyone left around 6pm
The hubby and I shared some time together.
And now I’m sharing time with you, my cyber family. Good day overall. Feel renewed. I work tomorrow , early morning, so will be calling it an early night. But, I would like to share with you a few photos from my morning. Enjoy!