Runaway

Runaway Train-Soul Asylum

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number  9 .If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.

The Challenge:
9. There is a song called “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum. You can listen to the song if you like, but it isn’t necessary. If you like, you may watch the video (with lyrics) below and choose any other lyrics from the same song instead. The objective is to focus on the lyrics, and not whether or not you like the song.Write about what those lyrics mean to you, and whether you have ever identified with them now or in the past.

Lyric Set 1

“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning”

This first set of lyric sticks with me. Maybe because it’s so aesthetically appealing. Mostly it reminds me of myself during my “coming of age” flow-y spirit days. It has a touch of oddness , of being different.  This stanza calls to me and being young and a little free spirited. Not many people “got” me. I was a little off key. Marched to the sound of my own beat. But just like everyone else I wanted others to march with me sometimes. Sometimes I needed a little help. But mostly others just didn’t understand. ” I was a key that could use a little turning” really resonated with me. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want a horde of friends to encourage my every move. Simple someone to hug me when I cross the finish line. I didn’t want a knight and shining armor , simply wanted a strong man able to lift me off my  OWN horse and help take the armor after being too tired from fighting my own fights.  I spent most of my high school days being me, and I wouldn’t change it, not for a second. But this set of lyric really spoke to me, the longing yet still the acceptance of the way things are but still a little fight left. “call you up in the middle of the night” I was never one to play games and If I wanted something I went for it, different and all. I wasn’t scared of rejection. And i damn sure wasn’t going to twirl my hair and bat my eyelashes trying to drop  a hint i thought a boy was cute. No, no . That’s not me. I went straight up to them and asked THEM out. Feisty little thing I was LOL.

Lyric Set 2

“Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep”

Source

 

This set of lyric really hits home. I know i mentioned here on my blog how I am too kind. I’m caring almost to a fault. I KNOW when people are flakes or fake. I know when they use me. Yet i let them. Time and time again. I made that promise to myself countless times to myself. I broke it every time.  I know i mentioned before my ex relationship was a bit toxic. Every time we fought, broke up ( yes that kind of relationship break up and make up every other day) I would say that’s the end, I won’t cry, I can’t fix this. I would bawl my eyes out, he would apologize we would be good for a day or two and then someone hit the repeat button.  That’s the problem with me. I”m loyal to a fault. Even when you don’t warrant my loyalty , you probably got it. I’m like that abused dog. No matter how many times you yell at it and kick it and mistreat it. It still loves you. It still tries to pleases you. With my past relationships, most of them were wrong from the start. But, I wanted to fix it. I wanted to put the effort.  All i would accomplish would to break the promise I made to myself, to not weep. What i know now, having been in a positive relationship for almost 6 years. Relationships shouldn’t need fixing. If it needs to be fixed, it’s the wrong fit. The two aren’t meant to be together. There is a difference between working together, learning together, growing together. Most importantly STANDING together when things get tough. But fix? No.  You can’t fix what wasn’t meant to be.

Lyric Set 3

“Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track”

Source

This set of lyric reminds me SO much of myself growing up. This one jumped off the screen at me. I felt and still do feel like I need to runaway. If I wasn’t a thinker and a planner and a constant worrier I just might actually do it. Pack the hubby and my doggie and drag them on a train to an unknown destination. Start over. Start fresh. But, like i said above, I care too much. I’m loyal.  But so often I feel like I’m  going ” the wrong way on a one way track”.  I feel lost alot. I feel stuck. Mostly stuck. Like I wrote about in my last “dear journal” entry, I feel stuck. Out of options. Fed up. I know staying in this situation isn’t want I want. I want to be independent, with a decent paying job. I want to go back to school, get  a degree. I want to have my own place with my hubby and my doggie. Yet, it’s all so far away. I know i will get that… in time. But, for now? It seems everything I do is just going down the wrong way of a street.