If the disease doesn’t kill you, the waiting will. We tried to go about our daily lives, like normal. We were set up with an appointment for a neuro- surgeon. A different surgeon than the one the hubby had the first time around. But the appointment was a month away.

A month.

So for a month we had to sit with the news that the hubby’s tumor was back. He had a tumor inside his head. For the second time. Within four years and post treatment it grew back.

We were told the first time around that there is a 3-5 year window from regrowth. We were told if it didn’t happen within that window then it was likely not to happen for many many years like 15-20. We were so close.

For a month we had time to reflect on the first time. How the hubby was told he had a 50/50 chance of survival the first time and with that 50% there was a 50% chance of coming out with impairments.

We had a month to sit and ponder the risks, how they would be higher a second time around.

We we’re told to consult the surgeon first to determine if surgery, brain surgery for a resection , would be the best option or even a possibility. If it could be done or needed to be. Typically surgery would be done first before chemo and radiation so the body and system is stronger and not compromised and susceptible  to ill side affects from a lower immune system that treatment causes. So a surgeon would be our first step.

But, a month away.

Like i said, we tried to go about our lives. I continued to work my two jobs working 60 hour work weeks.  We lived our lives in constant denial. We tried to ignore the fact that we didn’t know what was going to happen. We didn’t know what options the hubby had. We didn’t know what kind of quality of life he would have to look forward too. We didn’t know how much time he had to look forward too…

We didn’t know.

We were just uncertain.

We tried to pretend we weren’t living this life of uncertainty for a month .

Sometimes it was easier because I was working so much. At my new job things are so fast paced and since I’m in charge of my clients, individuals with disabilities, there is no time to stop and think. It’s constant watch and attentiveness and then the day is over and done.

But my retail job? It’s physically taxing but it’s all physical. My mind is left to wander and I was in tears throughout my shifts.

There was no hiding the fact my fiance had a brain tumor no matter how hard we tried to forget or ignore it.

Things were high emotions for awhile. I had to cut my hours at my retail job. I couldn’t  handle being away.

God forbid if things took a turn with the hubby, I would have to live with that choice. I would have to live with the time lost. I would have to live with the fact that I was working while he was home alone.

And I’m not the one with the disease. He is for the most part alone. I’m all he got on a daily basis. And he is alone with his emotions and mortality in question. I couldn’t bare that.  Leaving him alone with all HE is going through and all his emotions and uncertainty. So i cut my hours at my retail job.

Things got better after i did that. I was home more. We spent quality time together.

We both were still upset and struggling. But together, it was easier to bare.

In one of his darkest moments he came to me and said with all he has been through in life ( he has been through many many things) he never felt broken. But now he feels broke. He said “I’m broken” and burst out in anger saying it’s not fair that he is going to have talks about options of life and quality of life. He should be having talks of getting married and buying a house not if he is going to live or die.

My soul hurt for him. For us.

So when the day finally came to meet with the surgeon it was bitter sweet. It was a relief to finally have a step out of uncertainty , closer to some solution or answer. Even if it was bad news, something concrete to wrap out heads around. We needed to be grounded. And this appointment with a surgeon was the first step to that.

Now, i did ask for our original surgeon  but  our referring doctor was persistent about going to the guy we were going to see. I didn’t worry too much because i knew the department. The hubby’s original surgeon is in the same department and his office was around the corner. So the original surgeon was accessible we decided it was okay to go with the flow, it was easier for insurance purposes.

We went in to met this new surgeon and immediately I bombarded him with questions and concerns. The hubby was severely resistant to surgery and would only do it if quality of life would be better. We were concerned about him living through another surgery. I could handle impairments but the hubby was not so sure about impairments. The surgeon talked us down saying death is a very rare occurrence and with the tumor location impairments is possible but mostly motor or speech so the hubby can still have a quality of life. So we opened up to the option of surgery again slightly but insisted we wanted the opinion of the original surgeon.  The surgeon than hit us that he would need two to three weeks to discuss the hubby’s case with  the tumor review board and together ( original surgeon included) they would come up with their recommendation and then call us to come in and present the options to us. Two to three weeks for them to meet. Then call us in for an appointment. So upward to a month for another consultation is basically what we were being told.

Another month of waiting.

The hubby lost it. He went off in the doctor office. I don’t think they ever had a patient curse at them before. But like the hubby said to the doctor everyone always says if you catch it early and treat it early that is best. But all we’re being told is to wait. It’s bullshit.

We basically left in an uproar.

They said they will call us after the review board met but we were pissed off and just needed to take a breather.

We were waiting for the elevator when the nurse assistant came running down the hallway screaming for us.

The original surgeon came in for the day and she spoke with him and is having him meet us.

Then, it all happened so fast.

He looked at all the medical files and the latest MRI and he was concerned.

The original surgeon actually remembered my hubby and his case but still went over ever single MRI he had back to the very first one pre first brain surgery. He was nervous.

He pulled us to the side to talk to us alone without the new surgeon and nurse and told us his personal advice and medical advice is the hubby cannot wait to have surgery. He told us the tumor came back. The first time it was stage three. They wont know what kind of tumor this one is until it is biopsied but he was worried that it came back in under four years after aggressive treatment and its likely its regrowth and re-occurrence of the same kind. He was concerned about advancement of the tumor since now the last MRI is from a month ago. He felt it was necessary to aggressively fight and asked the hubby to be admitted to the ER and have surgery right away and he would do the surgery himself.

He explicitly expressed he wanted to do emergency  surgery. Operate as soon as possible to remove the tumor that was the size of quater all around circumference  of a gumball ( which is significantly smaller than the first time which was the size or a handball with tentacle spread).

After some back and forth emotional breakdowns Omar agreed to have emergency surgery.

But red tape and all that. We ended up having to wait a day and an half.  The hubby had to obtain medical clearance , to make sure his body can withstand a major operation and they needed pre -surgical testing done and another MRI. So that same day Monday, April 27th the hubby had all the blood tests, ekg, screening and  complete work up for medical clearance. Then needed a day for test results to come back like the blood work.We did all the administrative work for pre admitting. The next day , Tuesday, the hubby had an intensive MRI done to get a current depiction of the tumor and to map out a course for surgery. They prepped his head shaving off circles and attaching senors all over.

Then Wednesday , April 29th 2015, at 530 in the morning the hubby and I entered the hospital for the hubby to have his second brain surgery, a full left frontal craniotomy.

The hubby, being prepped from the operating room, watching sports 530 in the morning.

The hubby, being prepped for the operating room, watching sports 530 in the morning.

We were rushed to triage and given a bed right away. It was all so surreal. The beeps of monitors just faded from memory and it was crushing all the walls I’ve built.

Worry and fear were paralyzing.

But, i stayed strong and positive for my love.

I stood by his side in the hospital and held his hand. He was in an extreme amount of pain from the seizure. He couldn’t move his legs much.

I sat patiently in a chair when they took him for a CT scan.

We goofed around and took pictures of him flipping off the IV , they pumped him full of anti-seizure medication,

Hours went by. Finally a neurologist came to see us. He told us the CT scan was promising, it didn’t show anything outstanding. He diagnosed Omar with epilepsy.

We were ushered out the ER with a prescription and an appointment with the neurologist.

The first thing that happened after pulling up in the driveway was Omar falling out of the car. He didn’t have control of his  legs.  He fell a few more times trying to make it to the room, even with me trying to support him.

I set him up and we dug out his cane and off i ran. I had to fill his prescription and it was Sunday.  I ended up going to three pharmacies before i found one that  had the medication.

It was one of the longest weeks of our lives. Tuesday was the appointment with neurologist. He wrote us scripts and arranged for an MRI that friday.  Friday we went for the MRI.

The following Tuesday we go for a follow up visit for the results of the MRI.

We had a fun morning. Went to the mall and went to Toys R Us. Omar got some action figures. We waited in the waiting room for awhile.  When we finally walked into the doctors office he was busily typing away and taking phone calls. He leaves the office to find a chair for me, there was only one in the office which Omar was sitting in.

After I was settle , he still was fidgeting around.

Finally he tells us to go back to the hospital for copies of the MRI. He started telling us his assistant is making appointments for us, an appointment for a surgeon .

I stop him and bluntly ask him why a surgeon and questioned him what he found on the MRI. I straight out ask him if Omar’s cancer is back, if he has tumor regrowth.

The doctor could barely look us in the face when he said yes, they found something.  He told us to consult the surgeon and the surgeon will decide a treatment plan, if surgery  is necessary  or first step. Or if chemo and radiation again then surgery. A surgeon will give their expert advice.

I held it together.

I held it together throughout the doctor visit and retrieval of records.  I held it together in the cab home.

When we came home, i shattered.

I cried. My soul cried.

And I’ve been crying on and off ever since.

My hubby, my love has a re-occurrence of his brain cancer.

And i feel so heartbroken this is happening to him again.

And angry.

So , very angry .

The hubby, for those of you that don’t know, is a Brain Cancer patient. Back in 2011 he had a seizure attack for the first time in his life that sent us to the hospital .While there he had an abnormal seizure, a seizure that would not stop nor respond with IV medication. With four nurses and a doctor practically sprawled across him, they told me they needed to medically induce a coma. It was then we found out he had a massive brain tumor and he under went a craniotomy four days later. 3 days before his 25th birthday we got the diagnosis of Olidenglioma, Stage 3 brain cancer. He underwent radiation and chemotherapy and since 2012 he has been in a stable condition with no active cancer.

The hubby was feeling sick recently, for some time. But, it was more so other parts of his body. He basically felt like he had arthritis. He was having really low stamina, couldnt walk much or far without tiring to the point where he felt like he was going to pass out. He was having more and more pains throughout his body and was unsteady.  My expert googling research skills , i discovered it’s a possibility that his joints were damaged from radiation and chemo, doesn’t happen often but it’s a slight chance. But, all these problems he was having were not necessarily in the radiation zone.  So it  was just weird. So, we walked into the doctors office to try to get some answers.

I’m the only person in the world that walks in for one appointment and leaves with six others.

So, that’s how i found myself working my crappy schedule and any day off i had was filled with running to these appointments and doing errands.

Then, something happened. I got called back from the really awesome job i interviewed for. I had to run to appointments for that …medical one day…fingerprinting another.. paperwork here…and then finally I was told I was hired . So i started working right away,middle of the week, March 11th.

I was already burnt out from not having a real day off for two weeks and then working two jobs on  those three days… basically working 15 hour days.  I was feeling it and asked to be taken off the schedule at my retail job for the upcoming Sunday. To have a day off.  Then i would be working my new job that upcoming week mon -fri in the mornings and afternoon then nights and weekend at my retail job. I wanted a day to regroup and prepare.

March  15th was the day that was supposed to be my day off. I worked closing the night before and planned to stay in bed for as long as i could. Off in the distance in my sleepy mind, I hear the hubby wake up and start his morning. I heard him leave the room and then come back. I heard him cleaning up. I heard him sit on the bed and listening to his ipod.

I was aware of him but i was still content and sleeping and snuggling in my million blankets. I sense him sit up on the bed and take his headphones off and heard him fumbling around for the remote control to the tv.  I snuggle harder in my blanket, just happy to be home and in bed with my love and was ready to drift back into a deep sleep.

Then i felt him jerk back and “fall” on me. Not hard. But sudden. It was brief and then i felt him sit back up. Then all of a sudden dropped back on me. I sleep mostly on my stomach with my face in my pillow.  I was like what the hell is this boy doing but then i didnt feel him move again so I was like aww I’m getting a cuddle.

Then i heard it. A sound I’ve only heard twice in my life and never thought I would hear again in my life.

A primal groaning sound that made me jerk my head out in panic.

Then i felt the hubby having convulsions.

I struggle with his weight and to push myself up off my stomach and all i see is the hubby convulsing and that guttural sound . I struggle to do all the things I’m supposed to do, hold his head and tilt his body to the side so he doesn’t choke on the saliva and blood.

Tears stream down my face as i count. His seizure was violent and lasted just over a minute. For a full few minutes after he struggled to regain regular breathing and clear his air ways from the saliva and blood . Crying, all i could do was hold his head and whisper reassurances to him.

He came out of the covulsions but was delusion. It was a full five minutes before he registered my voice at all.  He was laying in bed and tossing from side to side , sit up and fall back and repeat.  After five minutes he finally responded to me verbally and I immediately dressed myself with yesterdays outfit still on the chair.

All the while i keep talking to Omar trying to coax his out of his daze. He wasn’t aware of his surroundings or what happened.

I run to get my brother and tell him I need him to drive us to the hospital.

Tears running freely, i talk Omar through sitting up and I dressed him. Still, he wasn’t aware of what was going on.

It was 10:03 in the morning when Omar had a seizure attack.

The hubby was unsteady and barely able to move his legs. He was moving like walking through quick sand.  I got him into the car  at 10:35am and in the car he started to regain memory and understanding but was still not there. He didn’t know the month, the year. He didn’t know his birthday. It took him a long pause to remember who I was.

It wasn’t until we were at the hospital 10:50am that he started to regain normal brain functioning.  He knew me, the date, the year, his birthday. He had no recollection of the entire morning.

At the hospital we both broke down.

Omar only had a seizure before from the pressure of the tumor. Without a tumor , he wasn’t supposed to ever have one again.

But, March 15th 2015, he had the third seizure of his life.

This is going to be a long diary like entry.

Since we last spoke, I was telling you all I did it. I took a chance and went out on interview. Then i up and disappeared, I left you all hanging.

Sorry about that. But life kind of took a spiral and things were out of control for a while. I felt like I was getting hit from all sides and honestly, I was overwhelmed.

I still am.

Let me break it down a little by little.

My Health.
If you didn’t already know, I can get sick when a sick person just looks at me. My immune systems sucks.  Here in the states, I had health insurance under my mother until the age of 26. In June i turned 26 but the health insurance said they could keep me until the end of the year. January. So, with the new health care system I had  to sign up for health insurance but there was a time limit. The problem , I work retail. I work swing shifts and crap hours.  I tried to do it online and over the phone but for some reason my middle name is messing up confirming my identity and they needed to do it person.  Yeah, I’m still confused about that. But, my days off are always so hectic as is and it was hard to find the time to go to one of these offices. I just didn’t have the chance or energy.

So, i have no health insurance right now.

And then, I got sick. I was sick for three weeks. I’m pretty sure it was bronchitis. I’ve had bronchitis twice a year since I was 14. I only went un-medicated during bronchitis three or four times. This time, i had no choice. So i would drug myself with cough medicine and go to work and come home and take a shot of nyquil and sleep. For two weeks, on my days off, I literally slept through the whole thing. I literally thought to myself “this is it, this is how i go out”.

But then one morning , three weeks later ,i woke up and i didn’t almost cough up an organ.

But i also had an injury. I think from both just lack of rest and working standing on my feet wearing boots ( it’s been snowing alot here and icy so boots are the only thing you can wear if you don’t want to break your neck walking). My foot was killing me. It was swollen and hurt to stand  on it.  But, i couldn’t afford not to work and or miss appointment so i just wrapped it up and  journeyed on. It’s finally feeling better because I got a chance to rest it today.

My Job
My retail job has been causing SO much stress and anger. I feel so under appreciated and taken advantaged of. Because .  I do enjoy and I’ll say even love certain aspects about working in my store. I love my area. I love my Levis jeans. I love being in charge of the merchandise. I’m my own worst critique. I manage and maintain the selling floor to a higher core standards than they even desire. I work hard to keep order and presentation of my area. I genuinely care about a person coming in to my shop and getting the pair of jeans they love. I’ll go above and beyond to make sure you get the size, fit and color you are looking for.

The frustrating part is being promised one thing and given another. My hours are not supposed to be cut under 25. It was part of my promotion when my area was still an official stand alone department.  But, i was cut. But my work expectancy was not cut. I’m supposed to sell and produce the same numbers and the floor is supposed to look and be the same way with 18 hours a week?

You know what though? I still bust my ass because I have pride in my work and pride in my area. I do more than i should because I care. I do it for me too because I’m the one left  in the area and I cannot work in chaos. So either i bust my ass and try to maintain order or suffer through trying to work through chaos.

And they took my day shifts. They put me on for closing shifts. So now, I don’t have the time to efficiently work on my stock and I’m expected to help close out the neighboring area and even the rest of the floor.  But whats worst about the closing shifts, now my area is unattended all day so I always walk into a huge mess.

Not only that, it’s the treatment of all the employees. Alot of favoritism and preferential treatment to alot of employees… for no apparent reason. Honestly? Every shift i work, i work twice as hard as some of my co-workers.

Let me remind you folks, it’s the slow season for retail. I watch other employees take extended breaks, stand in one spot for twenty minutes , fold the same shirt for ten minutes. And you’re telling me they deserve to have their schedule adjusted for the better hours, more hours?

Here’s the one that pushes me over.

I have a fitting room. It’s the most active fitting room on the floor. I have to stay on top of it throughout my whole shift because people steal. Yes, they steal. Everyday. I try my hardest to help security by keeping it clean and calling them when i find something. I have to communicate almost daily with security over something happening in the fitting room.  But remember I’m part time and for almost a month I was working only 20 hour work weeks, closing shifts.  So that’s all day an unattended fitting because god forbid someone lift a finger to clean out the fitting room.

I get so angry and frustrated but more-so at myself. Why do i care if management doesn’t care? I get so angry that i get upset over these things. I hate that i waste the energy and emotions on this. But, i do. I try and try to turn it off but i just can’t.

The Hubby
He’s been struggling every way there is to struggle. We have been through hell the past few months with his disability. With doctors. His health isn’t great. He’s currently getting worked over having every test in the book done. We walked in for one appointment and left the office with six. We have been running around going to get this test and that test done. We have been up to our elbows in paperwork. Things are finally starting to settle with all of this. Tomorrow we go for another test. Then i just have to schedule a MRI and two xrays. And maybe finally we can have some resolution and answers to why he feels like he has arthritis, to why he is sick all the time. It’s been hard these past months, if i’m working I’m constantly worried about him. If i’m not working we’re most likely running to an appointment.

The New Job
My last real update, i told ya’ll I went to an interview.  I was called back two weeks later for a group interview. I was called back to spend a day at one of their centers to shadow for the day to see how I interact with their clients. It’s a program for adults with disabilities. Specifically, helping them with life skills and training so they can work.   It’s a great company.  It’s been months since i first went to the interview. Since then I have filled out 4 different applications. I had to provide various references both professional for my job experience then separately i needed to acquire three references to take an online survey about me. I needed to get fingerprinted. I need to get a medical exam and have a skin test done to make sure I don’t have TB.

Finally last week, I was cleared. I passed everything. I received an official “you’re hired”, I’ve been waiting all week for my handler to contact me with a start date. It’s a little tricky of when I can start because basically I will shadow a person for a couple of weeks so they need to make arrangements for that plus little things like syncing up a start date with their pay cycle. But i expect in a week or two i can start.

I’m so freaking excited!! You have no  idea how much i adore this company and this job. I haven’t even started yet but I’m thrilled. I had half a mind to put in my two weeks at my retail job. But, because of my life circumstance, I have to do the responsible thing. I’m going to work two jobs for awhile. I’m going to adjust my schedule at my retail job around this job ( which is a 8-4 9-5) type of job for the position I’m going to be starting as.  It is a part time position however which is another reason why i should keep the retail job for now.  But honestly,  I will take an hours cut at the retail job and definitely leave altogether when I’m firmly implanted in this new job.  I definitely don’t want to work retail for another seasonal so I have about 5 months left to get things squared away.

I’m nervous and scared and worried. But I’m happy. I feel like finally something good is happening.

The best part? I learned about this program because I met some of their employees and clients at my retail job. My job hires in a few individuals with special needs every year and this year it was through this organization. I clicked with both the employees and clients right away. The clients, from the first week i took them under my wing and they were my kids. The whole store knows them as my kids. They are my pride and it’s such a joy seeing them prosper and grow and come out of their shell.  The job coaches and the clients…they appreciate me. They help me. They teach me things, I teach them things. We help each other. We support each other. They are amazing people and they are thrilled to even see me and I them. It’s a great feeling to be appreciated. I haven’t felt that at my retail job in a long time.

Conclusion
Things have been crazy and hectic. I really should have used wordpress to help me through. I already feel a little better writing this all out and getting some things off my chest. But, sometimes when life spirals we get lost in the spiral. I was spiraling and i just didn’t have the energy or desire. Things are slowly working out. I didn’t have a day off for two weeks( i was off work but with appointments and such I always had somewhere I needed to be) and I was so close to that breaking point. But Wednesday I was off . I only went outside and went to the supermarket to pick up a few things. Today, i called out of work ( snow storm) and tomorrow I am off.  We have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow but it’s late afternoon so  I have time to have a slow start. It’s a nice mini break which i needed. I feel better after having quality time with the hubby and getting some much-needed sleep. (I seemed to have developed a sleeping problem too. I even cut out coffee but that didn’t help with the sleep problem. )

Overall folks, it’s easy to get lost and worked up. I need to remember to not stress the little things.  That’s the goal. Stress  less and be happier.

real-neat-blog-award
Over on A little Place of My Own I was nominated for this blog award.  Thank you for the nomination my dear.

These are the rules ( copied and pasted)

  1. Put the Award Logo in your post.
  2. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  3. Thank the people who nominated you, linking to their blogs.
  4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
  5. Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog)

 

7 Questions:

1/ If you could live anywhere in the world where would you be, and why?

Honestly, it changes with my mood. Sometimes, I’m a die-hard NYer and insist I will never leave. Other times, I furiously dream of living in California. Other times a quaint southern farm. Lol. Drastic differences. I guess I have yet to find the combination of everything I love. I love city living, the accessibility and the no time frame or time limits on where to go or whats open or how to get there- MTA going my way! Yet, I love rural living too. Quite and nature. And Cali for the beaches. I want to be a beach bum. lol. So. Right now if i had to pick a place I would lean towards Southern Living.

2/ What’s your favourite film genre?

Ah this dreaded question. I’m going to say horror because I always enjoy a good ( and b rated  crudely badly done) horror flick. In horror I’m also including scifi and supernatural genres , they tend to overlap.

3/ Coffee or Tea?

Coffee.

4/ Why do you blog?

I started to blog to help myself. I always kept a diary but found I was writing less and less. For awhile i blogged just because my “real life friends” weren’t or couldn’t be there for me. Now, i blog silently mostly. But, for five years, WP has always welcomed me back with open arms when I feel overwhelmed and need to just write or distract myself.  But mostly, i blog because I like to help people. I like to meet new people on wordpress and follow and support them on their journeys. More often than not, you can find me on wordpress not posting or updating my blog but I’m always logging on to check on fellow bloggers and drop a comment.

5/ Marvel or DC?

Oh wow, hard question. I think I’m going to have to go with Marvel. But, I’m biased because I learned about superheros through the hubby. His favorite character ( The Hulk ) is Marvel so he leans more towards teaching me about the Marvel characters than the DC characters.  But maybe after i learn some more I develop a liking for a character on the DC side. We shall see

6/ What’s your favourite food?
Breakfast food. Eggs. Pancakes. Hash browns/home fries. Anything breakfast.

7/ What’s your geekiest pleasure?
My book collecting. Some call it book hoarding but that’s just because they don’t understand. I love books. I always loved to read. But i commit hard to a series/world and I often cannot start a new book because I’m still stuck in the world of the previous book. I also take reading very seriously, which is why I have not read for this year yet!! I’ve been so swamped and busy i don’t have the standalone reading time and honestly i get grumpy if I have to stop reading and put a book down especially if it’s an interesting part, so I’ve been avoiding that whole fiasco by not reading at all.  But, definitely the way I collect books and get excited over books. I have preferences of hardbacks and paperbacks. And i must have a uniform collection of the books of a series ( all same format).

Okay, that’s the questions I had to answer. And I’ll leave the nomination part open because I’m just wiggling back into posting, not sure who is still actively following/participating on my blog. So if you see this and are interested feel free to part take!

Here are my 7 questions

1) Tell me something odd about yourself
2) Tell me a fear of yours
3) Tell me your greatest joy
4)This is an active prompt- sit for five minutes and reflect about something that you have been avoiding. Tell me about it in a free write after your five minutes of reflection are up.
5)Tell me about your favorite book
6) Tell me about your favorite movie
7) Tell me something random, anything at all.

I have been off the grid for awhile now haven’t I? I thought it was time for an update of sorts. It’s long overdue. And today is a special day.

It’s the hubby’s birthday.

I take his birthday seriously because of his illness.  It was Feb 2011 when he surgery. It was March 3rd 2011 when he got the diagnosis of Brain Cancer. So birthdays are bit tainted for him from the past years.  That year, we didn’t know if he was going to live or die or how long he had.

Through it all we learned time isn’t guaranteed.

I know it makes me a big ol sap everyday. I take the time every single to tell him and show him i love him. But a day like today? His Birthday?

I spoiled him rotten .

And I would do it again in an heartbeat.

 

Snow

Posted: January 27, 2015 in Uncategorized
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image

Winter Storm Juno.

It went well

Posted: January 15, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

So I did it. I braved the fierce winter storm and journied two hours in the early hours of the morning. I arrived at a massive building and as the snow melted off my jacket and my limbs thawed out I felt so elated. I did it.

I went to the interview.  It went amazingly.  I just feel so happy and proud of myself. Just for going. For making the effort.

^ I wrote that last week and never published it.

I was called backed for a second interview which I had yesterday.  I don’t even have the words to express how much I enjoyed it. Interview aside, I made memories that will last me forever.

This second interview was a day long event. I arrived at the center( center for disabled adults, mostly mentally challenged) and was paired with a employee and her group. We stayed in and worked on self advocacy worksheets so I worked one on one mentoring style with several people. Afterwards we went outside and did some recycling.  Honestly I cant remember the last time I had so much fun.

I forgot it was an interview.

When we returned from outside we had another interview, four of us in a group which I felt went really well.

Its a really long interview process. I’m up to the background check and fingerprinting and they want atleast four references. So, that’s where I’m at with this process. If fingerprinting and background check is cleared then they decide on the individuals they want to hire.

Ya’ll,  I really loved it. I know this job will have its challenges.  It wont always be easy. But, just from the four hours I spent there I really connected with the people and felt thrilled, like I was doing something that mattered. I’m still in a good mood from yesterday.

I don’t know if I will get the job. All I know is I loved it. 

The New Year

Posted: January 3, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Hey kiddies!
I trust the new year has been treating you well. As you all already know, my laptop has died…rest its precious soul.  I have tons of stuff I want to update about but lets be honest,  typing on a phone isn’t the same.

But somethings are on my mind and I feel the urge to unload a little.

I have a job interview coming up. And its scaring the shit outta me.

I guess when you spend over two years at a place you’re bound to feel a connection. Though at times my job sucks, really really sucks. I still like being in charge of my unofficial department. I like that the whole stores knows not to mess with my stock and I like how even management refers to me for Levis. And I like the random aspect of working retail. You just never know what’s going to walk into your department.

It’s been a exceptionally  bad season. I was like a bad customer magnet.

Yet still, through all the crap I feel connected to this place. I don’t know if its the fear.  Fear of the new and unknown.  Fear of taking chances.  Fear of losing the job security and good standing I acquired. Fear of working a job I won’t love.

This interview I have coming up, I have people willing to back me up too. Of course I have to interview and pass the interview but I have.creditable people within the company willing to vouch for me.

I’ll be stupid to pass it up.

I’m definately going to the interview.  I don’t want to pass up something good because of fear or lack of courage.  It’s just if this job is a better offer I have to take it and would have to resign my current job. This new job is an on call type job with no set hours. It’s an agency for people with special needs. Your job could be anything from in house mentoring to teaching a person how to go to the corner store. You could be a job coach or really anything. They hire you in as a filler what needs to be done and at the same time your gaining experience and being trained across the board.

It’s different. It’s new.  I’m just scared to give up a place where I’m held in high regards.  Then again, people’s opinion of me isn’t going to put money in my bank account…

New year, new things….right?

Happy New Years!

Posted: December 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

Happy New Years WordPress! It’s been a hell of a year. I hope with this new year, it brings changes for the better. I wish you all health and happiness and the courage to pursue whatever it is you seek.