Oh the Horror!

So, i was browsing through one of my folders that hosted school work. Testament to how artsy I used to be, I found my old poems and reviews overflowing the actual school work…lol. Here is a movie(s) review of 13 horror films I wrote oh maybe 3 or 4 years ago?  Copy and Pasted. No edits.

13 deadly bashes.

In no particular order, I will talk a bout 13 movies in the so called Horror genre. Blood, guts , gore- I’m a sucker for it all.  I used my time to engulf in zombie madness and even take a haunted walk down memory lane revisiting movies that shook me to my core when i was but a little duckling.  Don’t get it twisted. I’m  not easy to please nor easy to scare.

Let’s start with the oldies but goodies.

1) Pet Cemetary- released when i was only one year old in 1989. I watched this movie when I was 8 or so and had nightmares for a week. I avoided this movie for over 10 years. Finally I built up the nerve to watch it…and regret doing so. I should have left this movie in the vault categorized as scary.Unfortunately, I now have to move it to comedy/ boring.  Granted any movie with undead children sends chills down anyone’s spine. But, not everyone has a niece like i do. Kick the little fucker- the end. Ridiculous.  Humans never learn their lesson and this movie is testament to that. I rate this movie a 4 out of a 10.

2) Candy man. Number two on my list is the second scariest movie of my childhood. My fear of bees only added to my fear of this movie. When I was young , i didn’t realize it  then in 1992 when this movie was released. But, now i have a deeper appreciation for the writer of this film, Clive Barker. One of my favorite scary movie writer/producers.  I sat down to watch this movie…hopeful.

I have to admit, it wasn’t scary. But, a captive flawless plot. Okay maybe it had its flaws. But it holds what movies lack today….sense. It’s climatic, engaging and overall a good story built up. I rate this a 7 out of 10.

3 The Exorcist- Williams Friedkin’s 1973 version, just cause I love to see a girl crawl down a flight of stairs backwards and i have a thing for projectile vomit. I don’t have much bad to say about this movie. Not scary. But kind of cool in a way. Gotta love a movie challenging religion. I didn’t have much expectations for this movie and I was pleasantly pleased with it. Sometimes originals should never be remade. They did nothing wrong the first time. I would only have like a little more scare factor but they had everything else from creepy to gorey. I rate this a 8 and half out fo 10.

4) The Strangers. Fairly recent  by Rougue Pictures directed by Bryan Bertino released May 2008. A couple attended an event and then crashed late at night at a cottage  in hopes of staying there the weekend for romantic weekend to rekindle their relationship. But then, there is trouble in paradise.  What better target then a estranged couple secluded in a cottage?  Typical story plot, but done very well. Sneaky villian that sends chills down your spin added to disturbing eery music( part of the plot, not soundtrack). Very creepy disappearances and even I was on the edge of the bed….until a little after the halfway point . Look up disappointment in the dictionary and you shall see this movie. What started off as different and engaging suddenly turned unbearable to watch ( for me). If i didn’t watch the end, i would of rated this a 10 out of a 10. But i did. So i’m rating this a 6 out of 10, most of the points for the first half of the movie. Maybe you’ll have better luck with the ending than I did.

5) The Haunting of Molly Hartley. Liddell Entertainment production directed by Mickey Liddell. I don’t know how writers John Traves and Rebecca Sommershine got a job after this movie. I deleted this movie from the harddrive directly after watching this. This movie is proof of the of the skills of great  editors because the trailer looked amazing and the movie is just terrible on all levels- stupid plot, bad actors, wicked terrible ending.  Iw as left saying “really?” “seriously?”. I thought this movie was a joke. I rate it a 2 out of a 10- only because the idea of the movie was great ( parents selling the soul of their child to save the child’s life) Maybe someone else can come along and do this idea justice.

6) Prom Night- Nelson McCormick’s production April 2008.  Another one of those movies that starts of intriguing but then takes a turn for disaster leaving you saying “oh common”. People dying left and right- many “goofs” like people gettin stabbed yet the dress is intact plus horrible acting. Without giving away much, a chick was sleeping in bed with her boyfriend, her boyfriend was killed in the bed while she was laying next to him. I mean really?  I rate this movie a 3 out of a 10.

7)House- Ted Dekler’s novel’s adapted to the big screen Novemeber 2007 by Roffey Henson. A movie where the villain is called Tin Man- standing outside a house trying to get in. Whats the big deal i thought?   Suddenly it turns out there is more than one villain and it’s really is a fight againt dark magic. Reliving your greatest fears and sins. Not your typical good vs evil or religion vs atheist movie. But still, kinda corny and kinda a let down. I was completely into this movie until the unmasking of the dark magic and villain. I rate this a 6 and half out of a 10.

8) Mirrors- Written and directed by Alexandre Aiza ( might of gotten the name wrong my hand written is wicked sloppy). One of my fav actors Kiefer Sutherland would have been enough for a rave review from me, but this movie far exceeds that. A little religion and a touch of politics with a side of possession turned a mundane object- a mirror- into a deadly tool.  Very engaging, always keeping you on your toes and even some scare thrown in. Awesome plot, with an appropriate ending. This is one of the few movies that rate a 10 out of a 10 in my  book.

We have reached the point of ZOMBIE madness.

9) Gangs of the dead : Last rites. Directed by Duane Stimetl May 2007. You know how we always watch movies of dumb blond acting girls who run upstairs when the killer is in the house and never know how to pick up a pot and whoop some ass? And you know how we all say throw a biatch from the hood into this movie and watch them throw down? Well this movie is that. And i have to say, better in idea than actual play. Gangs of the Dead is about rival gangs and police held up in a warehouse , zombies trying to get in. More fighting with each other than the zombies. Absolutely dreadful movie. I rate this a 3 out of a 10.. the 3 more for the zombies than the humans.

10) Diary of the Dead. Written and directed by George A. Romero May 2007. A group of film students are making a horror movie and surprise surprise their movie comes to life. The whole movie is filmed as if behind  a camera, documentary style aka annoying. Some scenes they actually put the camera down to “charge” and you see nothing but feet. A few noteworthy scenes like “gold fish” zombies. But over all the most disappointing zombie movie of George’s series. I rate this movie a 5 out of a 10.

11) Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed: Directed by Steve Miner April 2008. Day of the Dead was written by infamous George A. Romero and the screenplay by Jeffrey Reddrick.  Arguably  this  movie is a video game to  movie conversion. Many believe this is an adaption of the video game Left For Dead but as of today no confirmation has been made.  Personally, the only similarities I see is the zombie super  skills. However both movie and video game came out around the same time so it seems like another chicken or the egg debate to me. This movie is by far the best zombie flick I’ve ever seen. Typical underground bio warfare goes haywire and the military is in charge of containing the Colorado town that got caught in the zombie cross fire. What really got me was zombie retain some human characteristics which further zombie super skills of plotting, sneaking, fighting, jumping, crawling up walls and just about anything you can think of. Oddly enough, love plot included which will melt your heart. Also, this movie will redefine the term vegetarian.  I rate this movie a 10 out of 10 .

12)Black Sheep: New Zealand Film Commission released this masterpiece in March 2007 directed and written by Jonathan King.  I read the description of the movie when it appeared on cable and i said ” LMAO You’ve got to me kidding me!” the premise of this movie …. genetically mutated sheep.. aka zombie killing sheep!!!  I couldnt pay for the opportunity to watch this and I sure as hell couldn’t make this up.  This movie was no where near a horror flick instead a hilarious comedy. SOme of the badassest villians/monsters I’ve ever seen, especially  turned humans. Seeing a flash of fluff dash across the screen tackling a human is priceless. Love the story.. which is.. friendly.. maybe a little too friendly. Overall a great laugh and a great time. I rate this movie a 10 out of a 10.

Last but not least

13)The Midnight Meat Train. Clive barker’s short story , screen play adapted by Jeff Buhler directed by Ryuhei Kitamura. Green Street Films released this movie in August 2009. Clive Barker is a genius. This movie is a whole another level of what the fuck. Not for the weak stomach, very gore friendly and very unnerving. A photographer stumbles on a mass murderer risking his life for a deadly shot. Mysterious and engaging making an overall rock solid horror flick. I rate this a 10 out of a 10.

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