Archive for March, 2013

My Dear Readers!

So, I have finished the current Blog Challenge hosted by Swift Expression. I know my posts are primarily entries for that blog challenge. So I would like to give a little update about my blog.

What’s to come
1)I will be writing up my first Matters Most Post.

Matters Most is the trend I am starting ( part of the swift expression blog challenge was to start a trend) and if you would like to join in and post something similar on your blog I encourage you to do so. My goal for Matters Most is to show tribute to those who are consistently there for me via blogging. Some see low numbers, low stats, low amount of followers. Some people say” only a few people commented on this blog, I”m so sad!”. My goal is eliminate that attitude. To bring back appreciation to blogging. Weather it is one like, one comment, one follower- or it’s thousands. It doesn’t matter. Someone, somewhere took the time to visit your blog. Matters Most is for those people. Those who took precious time to share their love with me. It’s to say I am thankful and giving you a little spotlight of fame in my monthly post. You can read more about Matters Most here

2)I owe you guys a B4 Peace post for March. And April is tomorrow so shortly a prompt will be published  for April and I would have to write an April B4 Peace Post as well.

3)I also have one journal entry to type up( it’s from last week Tuesday and I  plan on doing that today) and publish and it seems Tuesdays is my writing in my journal day because I work mornings so I may have another journal entry for you soon if I write again this coming Tuesday.

4)Not this week coming up ( today is Sunday in my part of the world) but next week I have 3 days off in a row so I plan to tackle the Arts and Crafts project for the Swift Expression Blog challenge I have completed ( it was the only prompt I didn’t do out of all 12)

5) Finally, Swift Expression is thinking of releasing “Lite Writing Prompts” weekly, and if she does I will definitely be engaging in those.

So, that’s my little blogging update and what’s yet to come from my Corner of Confessions! Is there anything you would like me to do? Write about? See more off? See less off? Drop me a line in the comments! I write for myself, but I also would be more than happy to write for my followers as well!

Happy Blogging Everyone!

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12. Compulsory for all of the Awards. Answer this question LAST. In no less than 300 words, describe your overall experience of this Challenge. You must write about Your thoughts and emotions both before and after completing the Challenge.

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 12.If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.

Wow!  This challenge has been a hell of a ride!

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It’s been quite the roller coaster!

This is by far the best challenge/interactive questions I have ever part took in. 12 part challenge! At times it felt plain intimidating. I mean common, 12 parts!  At times it did feel daunting, like I would never be able to answer all the questions and finish. I would post two challenge posts at the same time yet there was always so many more to tackle. But, I kept going. Then as I posted more it became exciting. I was doing it! Answering questions I had NO idea how I was going to answer. Taking me places I had no idea I was going to go. Then the scales tipped and I completed more than was left. Only 4 more to go! 3 more! Two more! Then… there was no more.  I did it. I did them all.

Now, I’m left feeling a little desolate.  What do i post on my blog after this? There is no more parts! Am i going to have to post stuff solely off my own devices?  Like my feelings and stuff?

Some parts were fun. Like Fire Love Affair. I got to be inventive, creative and playful just like the dance of  a fire’s flame.

Some parts were a little serious like Magical Path giving s a lesson on how to be open . To experience something objectively without judgement and present it in a scholarly way . I put my former college skills to work enabling me to stretch my mind and write like a school paper. Doing this also allowed me to open my heart and mind to different beliefs without any predispositions.

Some parts were sad, allowing me to be open and honest like Alone and explore my fears and feelings.

Some parts were silly.

Some parts were just emotional.

All of the challenge questions I thought I had no idea what I was going to write about and I felt like my answers would suck. But , i just wrote and in the end i felt emotions I’ve kept bottled up. I was honest ( to myself) about my fears. I’ve learned stuff about my character ( like I’m a good person).

It’s been a roller coaster. Fast and wild. Exhilarating and scary.

A hell of a ride.

A ride I’ll definitely get on again.

Author’s note: I had to give ya’ll an “i owe you” for question number 4, arts and crafts. Writing challenges are easy to find the time for, I can squeeze in bits of writing here and there like I’m writing this in my notebook while having coffee before my shift starts  and I will type it up later.  But arts and crafts need a solid block of time, not blocks of spare minutes. My grandpa unexpectedly ended up in the hospital. He had a pacemaker put in Thursday. But he is 92 years old so he is still in intensive care.  Because of his age his recoup is longer and harder.  Much of my time is dedicated to hospital runs.  Of course the nurses are required to help my grandpa but he needs help with basic needs right now ( feeding, bathroom using the bed pan) and it’s just better to be there to assist him instead of having an over worked nurse running in and out of his room. Love the nurses , i understand they have alot of patients but it just annoys me when they put the patient on the bed pan and leave and come back like ten minutes later “how are you”.  Umm better if I wasn’t laying in shit lady.  Anyway, don’t mean to rant. So, I will do the arts and crafts part, I have to , it’s nagging me. It’s incomplete. I will do it.  But for now, I.O.U

🙂

“I’m waking up, I feel it in my bones
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to the new age, to the new age
Welcome to the new age, to the new age”
Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

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11. Compulsory for the Trendsetter Award. Start a trend

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 7. If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.

When I first read about The Trend Challenge I knew from the start if I attempted to start a Trend it would be something blogging related.  The problem is almost everything I’m interested in I am already doing, ie THIS blog challenge LOL.

Also like Blogger’s for Peace- a once a month post all for the same cause.

Also like I follow a lovely woman, Cheryl who started her own “Share the Love”  and monthly shines a spotlight on a blog she follows.

There is also the problem I don’t have alot of followers. That’s OKAY! The ones I have are awesome and great. But, my blog isn’t THAT interactive.  I get a dozen or so likes per post and a few comments from  a dedicated few ( and I love each and every like and comment and respond back to every comment).

But mostly my blog doesn’t get alot of traffic.  So how do you create something that warrants just that?

I realize i don’t care!  The hell with that! LOL. I never cared about traffic, and numbers and my stats. Why start now? As long as I have one person reading my words, that’s enough for me!  I’m going to give back to those that already give to me( richly so). To those that Matters Most.

I don’t care if you have one follower, one hundred followers, one thousands followers or one million followers. It’s not the number that matters it’s the quality of interaction that matters.

So, I’m not starting anything that puts value in building numbers and needs numbers. I’m going to start something that is a personal THANK YOU to those invested into me however few or however many that may be.

Matters Most will be a monthly blog entry in tribute to one who consistently and willingly showed my blog the most love and support. This isn’t a bribe. I don’t want comments and likes flooding in.  This isn’t a gimmick to drive useless visits/traffic and foster meaningless comments.  No. NO gimmicks.This is for those that have taken precious time of their day to stop by my corner of the world irregardless to whatever is going on out there in the real world. Its to say THANK YOU to my blogging family.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m open for that circle to grow! All is welcome! But like i said Matters Most is my way of sending a special thanks to those who support me even when I don’t post all.

I think the format for the actual Matters Most Post will be a mixture of my words, a link back to their blog, a review of a blog that they have written and  reblogs. Also, I would like to incorporate an open challenge. The honoree of that Monthly Matters Most Post can challenge me to a blog entry. It could be a Q&A. They can pick a topic for me to blog about. They can send me off into the blog world to a check out a few of their followers. They can send me links to check out and I’ll write about. It can be any topic, and I’ll write about.

So technically, one other person needs to join in for this to be considered for a Trend. But, irregardless to the Challenge, I’m going to go through with Matters Most anyways.

I don’t want to send the wrong message with my Matters Most Post.  I don’t have favorites and don’t think more or less of any of you for commenting or not commenting. I love you all, all my followers. I’m thankful for the interest in me and my blog and very happy and grateful for your support. I don’t mean to insult my silent readers. I adore you!

I love blogging and it takes alot of courage sometimes to leave a comment. It certainly does take a lot of time and consideration and I think that is very spot light worthy!

Since it is the end of the month I’ll wait til April to start Matters Most with an actual honoree( but that honoree will reflect the previous month i.e April will reflect March, May will reflect April) . I’ll set up a special page on the header tab later in the week as well.

But for now, this is my Trend. Shining a spot light on those who Matters Most.

I encourage you to ignore your stats and take notice of those who ARE there and who love and support  you consistently. The ones we take for granted sometimes. Recognize the ones who Matters Most.

7. You happen upon an anonymous blog full of writing, quotes, images and even music, which are uncannily similar to all your own interests, opinions and taste. It’s like this person has seen inside your head. You contact the owner to find out more, and the owner replies, “I am you.” Write about the experience.

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 7. If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.


So what would i do if I stumbled upon a blog that was the mirror image of my own and have the owner respond ” I am you”? I don’t know what I would do. I’ll probably shit a brick  as the initial  shock hits me.

I do believe in weird. I believe in supernatural and I just believe there is more out there in the world than we see with our eyes. So of course I would entertain the notion it was some form of myself. Maybe a former piece of my self or better yet my future self writing back to me. Maybe it is me from an alternate dimension.

I mean who’s to say it’s NOT me? If i had a mental disorder like having different personalities maybe it was another side of me and I have no recollection of that side or having that. Maybe I have an alter.

But, everything doesn’t need to be so dramatic and drastic. It doesn’t have to be some medical induced answer or some ethereal or sinister answer.

It could very be me, but not me at the same time.  I could have a soul sister out there in the world. You know there is a superstitious belief that we ALL have a twin in the world. Not a biological twin. Just a spirit twin. About the same age and uncanny resemblance and same personality. Alot of people believe, even if born on opposite sides of the world, we are born as twins.

The lore on twins is wide. You’ve heard of some. Some people believe we are twins and one is evil and one is good.

Some people believe  twins are counterparts ( either male or female or same gendered) and the twin is actually our soul mate and we spend our lives searching for  our twin, for our one true love.

Biology and genetics be damned.  This is omnipotent stuff here. It’s a belief that somewhere out there in the world there is someone just like ourselves. And is that really a silly  belief?

I don’t think so. We all go through life wishing for acceptance and assurance of others with similarities to our own interests and beliefs.

So if a blog owner responds to me “I am you” who am I to dismiss that? It may very well me my soul sister.

And how do you greet a sister?

By saying hi back….

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 6.If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.

The Challenge
6. For reasons beyond your control, you find yourself completely alone for the rest of your life. How will you cope? How will you survive? Or will you find a way to thrive?

Well, I would like to think that I’m strong. I would like to think I would be independent and self-sufficient.  I would like to think if I am alone I  would find a way to thrive.

If I had no attachments, no relationship, no friends? I would like to imagine I would be a free spirit hippy. I think being alone means not having any ties… not having family and friends. Maybe, just maybe, if being alone is categorized as so it doesn’t mean I have to live a closed off life in a  cabin without a soul in sight. Because we can have encounters with others, be in a horde of people, yet still be alone.  I can maybe picture a life without attachments and friends if I’m out in the world doing good, living free and unattached. Maybe  imagine myself in the peace corps. Going on missions to third world countries. Living the life of a nomad. A backpack and a passport moving form city to city on whims…working odd jobs just enough for food and another ticket for a bus or train to get to places I cannot walk to or hitchhike.

I would like to think I would be able to build a foundation of my own. A non-profit liberal sort of place helping others.

But “being alone” is nagging me. What does being alone mean? I joke all the time I would be perfectly content living the life of hermit. But in that scenario I always include a herd of animals and vast amount of books and of course my hubby. I can even see myself being a crazy cat lady.

I can picture living a life of seclusion like that.  But still, that’s attachments. Animals are living creatures too. You have bonds with them. It’s love, a different form than a spouse, but it still is an attachment. It’s not being truly alone.

If I’m honest, really and truly, I think being alone would break me into a million pieces. I think what it is, I can deal with being alone, but not what being alone means.

Being alone means the loss of what I have. Of Love.

If I am utterly and completely alone that means I no longer have my hubby. Not having my Bianca. So writing this a battle is waging in my head. Fear is there flickering the flames. I have a hubby and I have my doggie and I have my best friends. I have those relationships and I have love. I have those bonds. I have those attachments. If I am alone it means I’ve lost those things. It’s heart breaking to ponder.

I would like to think I’m strong enough to pick myself up after a tragedy like that loss. I would like to think I’m strong enough  to persevere. Going on living a life those that I lost would be proud of. But, if I’m honest. I’m not. The reality, it’s 2am and I am on a train with people staring at the tipsy girl furiously writing with barely legible writing in a paper notebook all watery eyed. I’m emotional just thinking about it.

Some might feel a sense of responsibility to try to live a fulfilled life for those who cannot. But, if I’m honest I don’t see a fulfilled life is possible. I don’t see a  life worth living if I can’t share it with those I love.  No. I don’t want to live a life without my love. Without my dog. Hell, I don’t want to live a life without my blog either.  That counts too because it’s connections, bonds with my cyber family. Being alone, utterly completely alone means living a life without attachments and connections and bonds.  For me, that means no hubby, no Bianca, no besties, no animals and no blog. I would feel like a lost child.

To be alone is to be without people you love and people who love you. Being alone to me means being without love.

I can’t picture a world without love.

Life seems almost not willing to live without love. But, more accurately,  if I’m alone, that means that MY love, my hubby, is  no longer with us and if he is not here that is a world I do truly do not WANT to live in.

5.Create your nemesis. After you have described your nemesis in detail, describe at least one new thing that you have discovered about your own personality by doing this.

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number 5. If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.

 

I’ve been trying to tackle this challenge for a while without much luck. But, I think I was going at it the wrong way. I kept trying to think of a person or entity that emulates everything I dislike.  But, now I’m thinking I should take a closer look at what it is I actually dislike , more importantly what it is I stand for and someone or something would like to challenge.  I should explore THAT and  that would make it easier to see what all those qualities personify.

First let me give you my interpretation of a nemesis. I believe a nemesis isn’t necessarily an enemy (though most of the time very well is) but the polar opposite in belief of everything you are trying to succeed in. Something that tries to sabotage you or others for person gain or see you fall and thrives off it. A bully. A parasite.  Someone or something that likes to weave a tangled web and pull strings until everything falls entangled in their twisted decrepit plan.

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A nemesis is a person that smiles in your face. Hugs you and croons praise to you all the while hating you silently.  They ready a knife waiting for a perfect strike in the back. Better yet, they don’t like to get their hands dirty at all. They spread rumors, gossip and false hood. They are the ultimate obstacle to everything you want to achieve.

I believe in hard work. I believe in struggles. I don’t hold your lifestyle against you but again I don’t hold much respect for those of a life of privilege.  Having everything paved for you. Served on  a silver platter. I don’t believe in statues but it predominates in today’s society. It’s not fair in my eyes because I believe in work ethic. I believe in starting at the bottom and working your way up. I believe we all have to put our time in.  But, it’s knowing that someone is working hard and praying to get what you have and it is taken for granted. That lack of true understanding worth.

But, I also believe we struggle and work hard to achieve whatever it is we seek ,without using other people as  stepping boards. We do not wish them unwell or harbor jealously in our hearts. Sure, I’m not perfect. Like I said before I don’t LIKE those that didn’t work for what they have or those that have it easier or those that have luck time and time again. I don’t judge them or hold it against it. I am happy for them. It’s just goes against the work ethic I believe in. It’s just my personal belief it’s not HOW things are supposed to work.  I believe you do good things and good things come to you. But, sadly, good things happen to bad people too. I’m not saving every bad person in the world has this perfect life, perfect job and everyone that has those things never worked for it. No. I’m just saying I’ve witnessed countless people not have to work their asses off and then walk around with that sense of entitlement.  Sure, I’m happy for your success and to keep what you have is certainly hard work. But entitled? No one is entitled. Not even the kindest person in the whole wide world is entitled.

So, yes I believe in work ethic. I don’t care if you’re working for a fortune 500 company or at a McDonalds.  You do your job. You do it right and you do it well.

Bullying is another thing I don’t stand for. Bullying and judgment.  I thought that stuff ended when you left the halls of high school. But, it continues on into adulthood sadly. It just takes a different form. A form of manipulative and vindictive people. I can’t stand people that lie and cheat and pull strings of others to bid their every desire. I try my best to mind my own business.  I try to do my best and try to encourage other people to do their best no matter if that would give them a one up on me. Like at work? I always credit other people. I never snitch out who went over their break. I don’t steal other’s customers (someone stole my credit app the other day I was so pissed!).  I help others even though it’s not my particular section I’m working that day. I can’t stand people that use other people to gain an advantage.

So what it boils down to I believe in having work ethic and honor and being humble.

My version of a nemesis is a person that tries to uproot those beliefs. Tries to sabotage my peace. My nemesis would feel envy of my virtue and jealous of my optimism.  They would belittle me and judge me.

My mother.  A picture of my mother is clear as day in my head. My nemesis is my mother.

I love my mother I do. She does have a good heart, deep down. But she is so driven by money and greed. She has a sense of entitlement. I know it’s hard working your way to the top and being knocked down to the bottom and having to work your way up again. I know it’s hard having invested and lost every hard earned penny. I know it’s hard carrying the burden of a family.  But, good intentions isn’t what drives her. I know she does love us, her kids and does want the best for us. But her motivation is her reputation.  Her reputation.  Her image. How others see her. I’ve seen my mother give and be kinder to work people or strangers than she is to her own family. I’ve heard her judge and judge and never taken a look in the mirror at herself.

To her, everything I do isn’t good enough.  No matter what it is, it isn’t good enough. School.  Care-taking for her husband. All the housekeeping and chores and errands I do for her.  My job. My relationship. All of it. It’s never enough.  All that matters is the number of my bank account or more importantly the amount of money I’m giving her.

And that’s why I think a person like that, like my mother, is my nemesis . To be consumed by greed and money hungry. To be so unhappy and unsupportive. To smile in someone’s face and talk about them behind their back. To be so envious and jealous and never wish well on another person. To want all that and never take a second to be thankful for what you do have. That’s a sad, sad way to live and such a negative effect on everyone  around it. It’s like a sink hole.  Sucking you in without the decency to spit you back out once it’s used and abused and you.

 

My nemesis is a person I never want to become.
I’m not perfect. I don’t mean to depict myself that way. But writing this I realize I really am a person with good character. I don’t wish people unwell. I’m happy for them. I don’t envy them. I’m not jealous of them. I guess I just get sad and frustrated sometimes when people haven’t earned it or worked for it.  It’s very therapeutic to know and realize how strongly I believe in work ethic. I so often feel and am lazy. Take today for instance, I haven’t left the house at all and stayed in PJS all day. I did do laundry.  But, that was the extent to my activities. I felt a little bit lazy. But writing this, I realized I do like to work. I do like to work hard. I do like earning by working for it.  Before writing this I knew I believed in working for what you want but I didn’t know how vehemently so I believed this.

It’s nice to know I have this foundation. Yeah I have been feeling stuck but I AM working hard and I will keep working hard. It helps me see a light at the end of the tunnel, to end the funk I’ve been.

Friday March 22 2013 5pmdear-journal1

Dear Journal

Hey my friend. So I found some stuff out today and accumulation of stress and now I’m just in a mood. Having my quiet time before work drinking coffee isn’t helping. It’s just festering my sour mood.

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I spent the morning on the phone with every fucking agency there is. Apparently because Omar has been on disability for two years they automatically enrolled him in Medicare. But, with Medicare it links his disability status to his eligibility for health insurance. We are trying to get Omar OFF of disability! But, sorry folks, there is no cure for cancer for Omar needs his health insurance for routine check ups and MRI’s. Also, it’s a $120 premium for Medicare monthly.  Omar originally applied to Medicaid , being eligible from being low-income.  The government sevearl times switched and automatically enrolled him based on disability and it took forever , and several times the insurance got cut off, to fix it. But, apparently no one knows what we need to do to fix this.

Almost no one declines Medicare. I guess people are content to be on disability indefinitely and have the liberty to go without insurance. I was transferred back and forth to the same agencies and reps who were clueless. No one could tell me if we decline Medicare would it effect the eligibility for Medicaid. It’s just like when they automatically enrolled Omar in a private insurance, TriCare which is military insurance…when Omar has never served in the military! We were eventually told  to call the social security office and talk to them. I bet you a dollar no one knows what the fuck to do.

Then i saw my mother’s bank statement.  $$ ( dollar amount removed for her privacy). I know it’s not THAT much considering they have no savings, 401k or retirement funds. But, it’s alot. More than she is letting on. She complains daily about not having enough money to make the bills. That bank account alone can make the bills for half a year.  So tell me why she is taking money from me AND Omar? That’s cold.  I’ve been trying to save for Bianca’s vet visit and for her to get spayed. That’s almost a grand total. I had 100 saved but then I used it to give my mother part of the rent money.

( Some stuff removed, for mother’s financial privacy, basically was a tally of the monthly bills and money coming in from her check, my dads and rent check from the apartment downstairs and how it pays all the bills, and basically saying the luxury of the new car Omar is paying for, a car WE can’t use)

I’m not asking for handouts. I don’t want money from her. I just hate that greed and money hungry attitude. It’s vile. It’s one of the very few things I can’t tolerate. It’s bullshit frankly.

It’s time to be a little bit selfish.

It is pay day, so I’m going to go hunt down my pay check.
Tash 5:12pm

Okay I’m back. The cash room was closed. So i went to the operator room to pick up my check  but no one was there. The other room where the operator usually works is under construction so I had no idea where they put this girl. I found the poor girl in a tiny office in the back corner of a stock room. Poor girl . I asked her if she gets lonely. She sadly told me yes. Awe.
I opened my check while chit chatting with her and made a face and said ” my little bit of change” and said she said better than no change.

That’s for damn sure. I need to stop complaining. I have a job.  But what else is a diary for, if I can’t fuss a little bit? I have a few minutes before I can clock in and then wait for the meeting. But, Imma go put my stuff in my locker before it gets crowded in here and I loose my seat. Talk soon journal. Twice in one week! That’s getting better right?

Tash  5:47pm

Runaway Train-Soul Asylum

This post is in response to the Blog Challenge by Tilda Swift at her blog, Swift Expression. It is my entry for number  9 .If any of my readers derives inspiration from this post and would like to do something similar on their own blog, please provide full credit to the owner of the original Blog Challenge (as stated above) to abide by copyright laws.

The Challenge:
9. There is a song called “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum. You can listen to the song if you like, but it isn’t necessary. If you like, you may watch the video (with lyrics) below and choose any other lyrics from the same song instead. The objective is to focus on the lyrics, and not whether or not you like the song.Write about what those lyrics mean to you, and whether you have ever identified with them now or in the past.

Lyric Set 1

“Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning”
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This first set of lyric sticks with me. Maybe because it’s so aesthetically appealing. Mostly it reminds me of myself during my “coming of age” flow-y spirit days. It has a touch of oddness , of being different.  This stanza calls to me and being young and a little free spirited. Not many people “got” me. I was a little off key. Marched to the sound of my own beat. But just like everyone else I wanted others to march with me sometimes. Sometimes I needed a little help. But mostly others just didn’t understand. ” I was a key that could use a little turning” really resonated with me. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want a horde of friends to encourage my every move. Simple someone to hug me when I cross the finish line. I didn’t want a knight and shining armor , simply wanted a strong man able to lift me off my  OWN horse and help take the armor after being too tired from fighting my own fights.  I spent most of my high school days being me, and I wouldn’t change it, not for a second. But this set of lyric really spoke to me, the longing yet still the acceptance of the way things are but still a little fight left. “call you up in the middle of the night” I was never one to play games and If I wanted something I went for it, different and all. I wasn’t scared of rejection. And i damn sure wasn’t going to twirl my hair and bat my eyelashes trying to drop  a hint i thought a boy was cute. No, no . That’s not me. I went straight up to them and asked THEM out. Feisty little thing I was LOL.

Lyric Set 2

“Promised myself I wouldn’t weep
One more promise I couldn’t keep”

 

This set of lyric really hits home. I know i mentioned here on my blog how I am too kind. I’m caring almost to a fault. I KNOW when people are flakes or fake. I know when they use me. Yet i let them. Time and time again. I made that promise to myself countless times to myself. I broke it every time.  I know i mentioned before my ex relationship was a bit toxic. Every time we fought, broke up ( yes that kind of relationship break up and make up every other day) I would say that’s the end, I won’t cry, I can’t fix this. I would bawl my eyes out, he would apologize we would be good for a day or two and then someone hit the repeat button.  That’s the problem with me. I”m loyal to a fault. Even when you don’t warrant my loyalty , you probably got it. I’m like that abused dog. No matter how many times you yell at it and kick it and mistreat it. It still loves you. It still tries to pleases you. With my past relationships, most of them were wrong from the start. But, I wanted to fix it. I wanted to put the effort.  All i would accomplish would to break the promise I made to myself, to not weep. What i know now, having been in a positive relationship for almost 6 years. Relationships shouldn’t need fixing. If it needs to be fixed, it’s the wrong fit. The two aren’t meant to be together. There is a difference between working together, learning together, growing together. Most importantly STANDING together when things get tough. But fix? No.  You can’t fix what wasn’t meant to be.

Lyric Set 3

“Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track”


This set of lyric reminds me SO much of myself growing up. This one jumped off the screen at me. I felt and still do feel like I need to runaway. If I wasn’t a thinker and a planner and a constant worrier I just might actually do it. Pack the hubby and my doggie and drag them on a train to an unknown destination. Start over. Start fresh. But, like i said above, I care too much. I’m loyal.  But so often I feel like I’m  going ” the wrong way on a one way track”.  I feel lost alot. I feel stuck. Mostly stuck. Like I wrote about in my last “dear journal” entry, I feel stuck. Out of options. Fed up. I know staying in this situation isn’t want I want. I want to be independent, with a decent paying job. I want to go back to school, get  a degree. I want to have my own place with my hubby and my doggie. Yet, it’s all so far away. I know i will get that… in time. But, for now? It seems everything I do is just going down the wrong way of a street.

dear-journal1
Tuesday March 19th 2013
8:58am

Dear Journal;

Hello, My Friend! Soooo it’s been a week since I have last written to you…not TOO bad right? Let me be honest. I have been in a funk for…a long time. I just can’t muster the desire to do much of anything. I was binge reading for the past two months. I did enjoy that but, this month I must of started half a dozen books and after a few pages I tossed it aside and there it sits, on my night stand.

I was whipping out blog entries like no tomorrow too, but now I sit there with the document open  but I can’t will the words to come. I want to. I love my blog and writing on it and I love all the challenges I part take in. But, something is blocking me from doing so. Kind of like writer’s block. But with life. A life block.

All i have been doing is going to work on the days I work . When I don’t work I use the computer without really using it.  I do my errands maybe some light cooking and cleaning but mostly binge watch  crap TV.

I spoke to Omar last night about this. I asked him if I’m depressed. He asked me if I’m sad. I told him no. I’m not sad. Really I’m not. I’m just indifferent. I don’t give a shit about anything anymore. But sad? No. He told me it’s just being worn out and fed up with my life situation and being stuck in the shit for so long with no sign of things changing.  I then asked if being indifferent was a symptom of depression. He said he personally doesn’t think so having been through depression himself. I told him those pamphlets the hospital give you says it is. Then we play fought a bit and that was that.

I don’t think I’m depressed. I think I’m just tired. Tired of being stuck.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I am thankful for my job. Employment opportunities are long and far in between. I just wish I could do more with my little hours and pay. I mean you should see my bank account. God I’m a statistic now…just trying to make it to my next paycheck.

Anywho, I have to go finish my coffee before my shift starts. I’ll write again soon. Thanks for listening my friend.

Tasha 9:14am