Accidental

I haven’t cut my hair in three years.  I’ve meant to cut it. Many times.

It was always tomorrow.

Or next check.

Tomorrow came and went.

Checks filtered in and out of account.

My hair still grew and grew.

Three years,  in the blink of an eye.

But that’s life.  We put things off and put them off and before we know it the opportunity has passed on by.

Well, I didn’t cut my hair…It was an accident.

I asked the hubby to take off an inch…maybe two…of the split ends/dead frizz and the ends. Just a basic snip snip to get rid of the really bad part.

We’ll he did. He took off an inch or two.

He then told me it’s not even, to turn around let him even it out.

I didn’t even hear snip snips snipping.

He announced he was done and I turn around and looked at the floor.

A mountain of hair was on the floor.

I quickly go to run my hands through my hair and it ended so fast! I’m used to smoothing out my hair and sweeping my hands endlessly through its length.

But it ended too soon.

He took off five or six inches.

My hair is still long, just pass the middle of my back. But this folks is how I got an accidental hair cut.

And you know what, I’m glad.

My hair looks better.

Sometimes if left to our own accord, we never make the decisive ” snip”. Sometimes,  we have to let go of control and let others pave way. 

Waiting Room Waiting

I thinking waiting room waiting is waiting of the worst kind. Here I sit, alone, with a chiper morning game show playing in the background.  If I hear a buzzer one more time I just may throw my shoe at the TV.

And I’ve tried every seat in this waiting room, all seem to be under a sub zero degree vent. Like seriously do you not believe in heat?!

The worst part is not knowing.  The control is out of your hands. Maybe the hubby will get sick in there. Maybe he will have a sezisure. Maybe they find what we dred finding.  The radiologist could be in there right now trying to capture the best angle of something. And that’s what’s scary. That these are the moments where they’ll may be something.

You sit here and wait and can only imagine what the test will uncover.

Waiting room waiting is time being held captive to your nightmares.

Atleast for me.

The hubby usually sleeps throughout his testing and procedures.

April 29th 2015

I always found it odd doctors mark with a sharpie where they will be performing surgery. But that’s what Omar’s surgeon did.

Omar’s surgeon came into our secluded area to review his chart and testing results from the previous day. When he finished with the charts  he looked at us in the eye one at a time and said “I have to mark you.”  I nodded to Omar  and he tilted his head and the doctor scribbled his initials on Omar’s left side of the face, by the eyebrow.

The whole situation itself is surreal but in the back of my consciousness i couldn’t help but get hung up on this insignificant detail. After all, it is just ink on skin. But, in my head I was highly furious/panicked. I was thinking they should have a patient’s chart memorized before they even touch a person. Do they really need to be reminded of what operation they are about to perform?Don’t you already have a mental map of where you are making an incision on a human body? How do you not clearly remember what side you have to dissect? Would they seriously place a blade at random to a person? Do you even know what you are doing to my fiancee?

Plus, for Omar, this is his second surgery. He already has scarring clearly displaying where to operate… I know it’s such an minor insignificant thing but all this was screaming in the back of my head as I watched the doctor scribble his initials onto my hubby’s skin and stayed starring at the shinny wet ink until it dried.

Finally,  the doctors finalized everything and they gave us a moment to say goodbye. There isn’t enough comfort in the world to be given in these situations.

We both had tears sneaking out. We both knew it was okay to cry but both fought to be solid and strong…always trying to take care of each other. I fought back the tears and tried to personify calm and strength and reassurance for him. I gave him a hug and kiss and told him I love him and I promise to be there when he wakes up. They started wheeling him away on the stretcher and as I walked alongside tears rolled down my face. I could see the fear in the shine of his eyes. He was struggling to hold it together all morning and i saw the breaking point in the brink of his eyes. It took everything I had not to throw myself on the stretcher like a crazy person. The nurses were turning the stretcher to push through the doors that would lead them to where they needed to bring him for the operation. I couldn’t walk along side him anymore and my feet struggled to stop. As strongly as i could make my voice, I called out to Omar and told him I love him and he’ll be okay. He nodded to me as the doors swung close behind him.

I walked out the pre-op holding area and as soon as the doors closed behind me I  side stepped out the door way leaned my back heavily against the wall and took out my phone. I texted his parents , telling them they didn’t make it to Omar in time  they took him in for surgery. As i pushed the buttons to text , silent tears streamed freely and I listened to the tear droplets hit the tiled floors in the still quiet empty hallway.

Oops, I disappeared again.

Oops, I disappeared again.

I have been peeking in and out of WordPress browsing through my reader, but I’m terribly behind on everyone’s posts.

I hope everyone has been well.

It’s back to school season so I’ve been busy at work. I have been getting extra hours which is nice but I’m not really seeing any of the extra money. I’m finally buying things I needed like new work clothes /work pants. Next paycheck I’m aiming for a new phone. I have had my phone for over five years and it doesn’t even make regular phones calls. I have a family plan with my mother and she does not want to extend the contract so I have been stuck with my phone for years. So, I’m planning on finally getting my own contract and upgrade my phone. It’s taking me so long to do this because I have had my phone number since I was 14. True, i don’t call/text that many people but I’m attached to my phone number. Going to the a new carrier that i can afford to pay on my own and they don’t buy out numbers. So I will have to get a new number all together. But, it’s time. So my next pay check hopefully i get that out of the way.

Otherwise, life has been the same. Same stuff, different day. I have been spending time with the hubby when not at work. Football season is upon us so we decided to compromise and spend as much time doing things together before football takes over. SO i haven’t been on the computer much or reading much. But, that’s okay. Working extra has been tiring and it’s great to come home and spend quality time with my boo.

And can i just say True Blood is almost over?!! What!!! I was okay when the book series was over because I had the show to fall back on. But now, with the series coming to an end too, I just don’t know what to do with myself! It’s Harry Potter all over again.  I’ve been a fan of the books for years and have followed the TV series since it began and now … sigh. I guess I’ll just have to be “true to the end” .

 

Leopard

I’m becoming a leopard.

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I caught a rash from work back in the winter time. It started on my arms, where i have the most contact with the counter and shelves. And because I’m an idiot, i scratched the shit out of it and it spread.  It was on both my arms and spread to my shins ( i don’t know how i wear dress pants at work, my guess is when I’m home I sit hugging my legs alot. )

All of it is mostly gone by now except a patch on one of my shins. It gets better and is almost gone but then I shave my fur off and it gets irritated and comes back.

But then I noticed on my arm, right by the veins where a doctor would draw blood, I was having color spots. I didn’t think much of it. It’s summer in NYC and I thought maybe it was just my skin’s reaction to unwanted sun blare while waiting for the bus. But then the spots started becoming really distinct. So I showed the hubby and asked him if I should be worried.

He then informed me I have the same spots on my back.

I was like a dog trying to chase it tails. I was turning around trying to see my back before common sense kicked and ran to the mirror.

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Sure enough, I had spots all over my back.

Oddly, that calmed my skin worries down a bit. I figured it was a heat related rash of some sort. The spots on back were mostly where the bra strap covers.

Since it’s hot as hell at work, the AC doesn’t work on my floor, i get pretty hot when working.

And I wear 3 quarter length shirts to work a lot. I would wear long sleeves if I could. Working retail has made me a bit of a germophobe. But, it’s too hot for long sleeves. But, alot of the shirts I wear for work the sleeves end right about where the spots are. So , i figured it was maybe irritation from the heat and friction from the clothes.

But, this week at work  I strictly wore  short sleeves and I was hoping to see the spot clear up a bit.

It got worse.

I asked the hubby in that baby voice if he would still love me if   was covered from head to toe in these spots. I always had flawless skin and these spots have been making me feel a little iffy about my appearance.

He responded (and this is why I love him)

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“Of course baby, your turning into a leopard and I will love you as a leopard. ”

My world instantly exploded. I can’t help it, I love animal print, leopard being my favorite.

Now, i look at my spots on my arm and say in a smooth silky voice “I’m a leapordddddd”

Sometimes, perspective is everything.

Biker Binge

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I’ve been feeling a bit detached lately. I decided it was time to unplug for a little while. You’ve all read about the craziness at work with inventory and if you have not you can do so here.

Work is still tiresome and I was starting to bore with my TV shows. It doesn’t help it was the season finale of Walk Dead last week. Whatever am I to do with my Sunday nights?!

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True to my commitment  ( B4Peace motto to live by for this year) though, I have been coming on WordPress everyday and silently reading your blogs. I drop a comment here and there but I’m one of those I don’t like pressing “like” unless I’m leaving a lengthy comment so sometimes i may or may not “like” your post.  But, I’m there stalking your blogs in the darkness of cyberspace.

So, what have I been doing with my time?

Well, you all know I have challenged myself and joined in the Goodreads Challenge to read 100 books this year. Last year, I part took but fell short.  As I type this, I have read 31 books which Goodreads tells me is five books ahead of schedule.

So, when I decided I needed to unplug from the computer and TV, I tried to read.

If you didn’t know, my genre of reading is Paranormal/fantasy/sci-fi.  Well folks, I had to put a ban on myself from buying books until I put a dent into the book I have already bought and yet to read. And it worked. Until last week.

I hit that wall. I was sci-fied out. I started about half a dozen books, reading a chapter of each. And I just wasn’t connecting. So i sat on goodreads and was just randomly searching and one book kept popping up into the recommendations.

Reaper’s Property it was called.

Now, I’m a HUGE Son’s of Anarchy fan. I watched it before it was popular, since it first aired. Every week the hubby and I would sit down and watch it together. It was OUR show.

My man. The first time he worked on a car after surgery and treatment( this was while on a break from treatment)

What you may or may not know… the hubby is a mechanic. Cars have been his thing since he was 5 years old. He grew up in PR in his grandfather’s garage. He’s at his happiest covered in grease.

He’s from the old school mindset and believes you should be able to build from bottom up any ride before you learn to ride it.

Naturally, he became interested in motorcycles. He started the research in going back to school to get certified  in motorcycle mechanics.  But then, as he was planning out his passions and dreams, he fell ill.

Now, that dream isn’t dead but it’s on hold. Point is, he lives out the desire of riding through shows like Sons but because he’s secretly a nerd he watches all kinds of documentaries about Biker MC’s.

And because I’m his lady, I watch them with him.

I have not known or have ever known a real life biker in the lifestyle. But, from documentaries and such I felt familiar with the lifestyle.

So, i never ever thought of picking up a biker book. I just knew I would hate it. It would not be real and nitty gritty and true to the hardcore ways and life of a biker MC.

But, then I saw the reviews for this book that kept popping up in my suggestions. It was bipolar to put it nicely.  Either people hated it, or loved it. And that’s what decided it for me. I’m a sucker for controversial reads. Before i even remembered I was on a book buying ban, I ordered the kindle book and had my kindle up and running.

I devoured the book. It was a work of fiction. It was rude and crude. At times it did read like a fan fiction. But the aspects of biker life was realistic and believable.  I didn’t put it down. And before I knew what I was doing I bought the second book. And then when i finished that series , the next Biker Book suggestion popped up and I bought that too. Then when that book was finished another series was recommended and I bought that too. I”m now on the third book of that series.

Here is a list of the time thieves books.

Reaper’s MC by Joanna Wylde
Book One: Reapers Property
Book Two: Reapers Legacy

Renegade Sons MC  by Dawn Martens
Book One: Renegade Lady

Undeniable by  Madeline Sheehan
Book One: Undeniable
Book Two: UnBeautifully
Book Three: Unattainable

So my lesson is not to judge a book by its content. I thought biker related books would be cheesy .   True some of these are more love and desire and sex  then the rough and gritty biker MC dealings. But, that’s the beauty of it. Even bad-ass bikers fall in love. The hopeless romantic in me has been practically purring this past week.

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Disclaimer: If you are interested in reading these books please be aware these are mature books with many “taboo” themes that include, murder, infidelity, rape and endless cursing and sex. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but don’t let your preference judge a book for what it is, a story. It is good stories.

Edit: I added links to the Goodreads Pages for the books.

 

A Loving Touch (Part 5)

Turns out yesterday was World Cancer Awareness day. It also happened to be Omar’s Brain Surgery Anniversary Date. Reblog of an old post I wrote about his surgery.

Corner of Confessions

The night before surgery, I left late and came home. I ate without tasting. Just for the motion. Showered and crawled right into bed. It was hard to sleep, no matter how tired, in an empty bed. Omar and I complained everyday how we need a bigger bed. But, having him absent from the bed made it seem enormous and too large. I wish I could saw it in half. I was awaken by Omar calling me on my cellphone. He was all worked up and upset saying some doctors woke him up to lecture him about surgery. They said he had a 50/50 chance of survival. And of that he had a 50/50 chance of coming out brain damaged. I talked him down, told him not to worry, I would be there soon.

My brother drove me to the hospital very early morning. I practically ran into the room…

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Super Bowl Sunday

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Super Bowl Sunday!!!

Denver Broncos VS Seattle Seahawks.

I’m just so freaking excited to enjoy the day. You see, my hubby is a hardcore football fan. Multiple games on at time, laptop streaming a out of area game and fantasy football stats on his phone. The type that watches ESPN and all the sports talk shows ALL DAY everyday before the games and AFTER the games. He knows his stuff. Football isn’t just a game to him, it’s a way of life. He is a true old school football fan. He is not one of those bandwagon fans. He isn’t a state favorite type of person. He doesn’t support a team just because they are from our home state.  He is  a fan of players and yes he has his favorite team but he can watch any game and enjoy it thoroughly because its the game he loves.

Before Omar, I wouldn’t even be in the same room as  a football game on TV. But, from our very first months dating I realized the extent of his love for  football and I wasnt going to be one of those girls to make him choose between watching the game and doing something with me. So, I read a book while he watched football.

Fast forward almost seven years. When football is on I can  sit with the hubby and easily loose myself in the game, yell and scream at the TV right along with him. I know know things about football. No way am I an expert but i know the rules of the game and I can sit and enjoy the game  ( it’s the all day long back to back game watching I don’t like, one game at a time for this gal). When he watches ESPN i understand what the hell they’re talking about.

Who would of thought.

So today, the hubby and I are going to celebrate with our vices and food and watch the Superbowl. Just me and him.

And I can’t think of anything else I would rather do.

❤

If you are following me let me know so I can follow back!

To my new Followers!

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Thank you for following my blog, especially during a time I have been severely disconnected from blogging. So please, if you have followed me in the period of the last few months please drop me a line or blog link so I can visit your page and follow you back!

The past few months I have been just been skimming my reader and I’ve missed so much. So many new followers and now I’m having troubling of picking everyone out.

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But, I’m back and trying to connect! I caught up with Bloggers for Peace and Matter’s Most. I will get back to posting regularly. I’m working to reconnect with people I follow and those that follow me.

I know alot of people are following me and I am not following them but I also have pusedo blogs ( the advertisements and bots ) in my followers lists and its hard to weed out the real ones and the fakes ones.

So one more time, bare with me! Help me out and point me in the right direction.

Have a post I missed and know I would love to read? Have a post you just want seen? I’m not following you but you are following me? Drop a link. I’ll be more than happy to read anything.

I just want to sincerely thank you all for being so patient and considerate with me. I can’t believe i got so many new followers when I was an absent blogger. It means the world to me!  I have noticed and I do care.

Lets connect and get back to blogging!

~Tash~

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Robbed of Choice (B4Peace June)

Excerpt Taken directly from Kozo’s page for May B4Peace Challenge:

This month I challenge you to explore how to have peace in relationships or how to have peace at home.
Turn your blog into a relationship advice column. What are the 5 things that make a peaceful relationship? What are the 4 things we can do to become a better partner?
Post a piece of art, a photo, or a video that epitomizes a perfect relationship. Feel free to explain why. (This does not have to be a human relationship.)
Write a letter to the opposite sex or your partner explaining why you love them, but what they need to do for you to keep loving them. This can be a letter to an actual person or to an entire community of people.
Publish a story, poem, song, or video about struggle in relationships and what you learned from this struggle that brought peace into your world.
Publish a post on the greatest love story ever that will inspire us to be more loving.
Rant about what really frustrates you about the opposite sex, relationships, or your partners. (Maybe if we know what is wrong, we can fix it.)
Post anything about the intersection of relationships and peace.

 

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Dear Cancer:

Fuck you. There. I finally said it. Fuck. You.

Cancer has stressed and strained my relationship. Not so much the illness part. I love him through health and illness. Our love is strong regardless of circumstance. He is my best friend. We will be together always no matter what life throws at us.  But I had to sit back and watch you rip my love apart. You took my strapping young healthy man and torn him down. I used to watch him be a work horse. He loved it. The short time he worked demolition he used to come home with bruised knuckles and shoulders with a light shinning in his eyes telling me how he had to punch out a wall that needed to be torn down or how him and his homies from work  took turns shouldering the wall down.

He loves to work. He loves to labor and sweat and create. Since the day  I met him he was always running off to build or fix things. When we started living together he would go outside to visit a friend in his nice clothes and when he came home he would look like a scared puppy because he was covered in grease from working on a car. His new nice clothes ruined. I couldn’t even get upset about his ruined clothes because his soul was revived. It’s what he loves to do. He didn’t smoke or drink and sure he ate alot of unhealthy food but he was fit and active and always quick to lend a helping hand.

So when he got sick there wasn’t even a transition. One day he was at work. The next day he was in the hospital. He didn’t get to say goodbye to his passions.

Even now a year and half off of treatments and he’s not back to his regular health and stamina. Day by day I have to watch him with longing in his eyes as he stays on the side lines.

That’s what keeps my heart from being peaceful.

You took away my love’s soul. Day by day he wants to go back to work. To be out in the world earning. He wants us to be a proper couple, no longer engaged but married without worrying about the repercussions and being eligible for health insurance or this or that program. He wants to support us and our passions and be free of the chains of “family” and have our little life together. To be out of my mother’s house and have our privacy. To be working up grown adults.I want that too. For both of us to contribute to our little household. It wont be much. But it would be ours to call our own.

Time and time again we cannot reach that goal. Just the other day having a heart to heart the hubby told me how badly he wants to work, to provide, to be happy.  BUt we both know it’s not possible…yet.

So. Fuck You Cancer. For taking that away from him. From us. If you were not in the picture I would of graduated with my bachelors and be well on my way for my Masters Degree and be off living in a cozy apartment with my love and my dog. Yet, here we are just me working a part time retail job. Everything on hold. At a stand still. In a hostile negative environment.

People ask me all the time how I can smoke, having seen the hubby fight through Cancer. Truth is, it was him, the cancer patient, that convinced me to pick up the habit again. I quit for nearly a year. I was smoke free way before he got sick. And it wasn’t until he was almost complete with treatment did i pick it up again. The hubby told me we all get a vice. And you can’t let fear or society or people’s judgement hinder your desires no matter what it is. He told me look at him… never smoked, never drank, never experimented. He got Cancer without the satisfaction of knowing he lived and tried it.  He told me to go ahead if it’s what I wanted to do. I can get cancer with or without the smoking. He told me i deserve a vice. Most importantly he told me I deserved to choose.

That’s what Cancer robbed from us. A Choice.

Without that choice it hinders and obstructs our desires and goals and happiness. It limits the peace we can achieve.

But, that’s why i love the hubby. He puts a smile on his face and does what the doctors tell him to do and he tries. He tries his very best. Friends and family don’t see the daily struggle because he puts on his brave face and puts himself out there. Time and time again.

He’s not a fighter. He’s a warrior. He’s my hero. My love.

Because of him, i’ll know eventually he’ll storm his way onto the other side, the healthy side of Cancer. We’ll get our choice back. We’ll get our happiness back. And when we do, we’ll have Peace. Until then, we never stop fighting for it.

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