What. Stream of Consciousness Saturday/Just Jot It Jan 16th

Author’s Note: I missed blogging yesterday ( 1//16/15) because I was a bit under the weather.  However, i’m making it up today. SoCs is being multi-purposed for Just Jot it Jan post.

This was the prompt for Stream of Consciousness writing for Saturday.

“Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “what.”  Start your post with the word “What.” Bonus points if the final word of your post starts with a “w.”  Have fun!”
-http://lindaghill.com/2016/01/15/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-jan-1616/

Please visit Linda’s blog for full list of rules and how to participate.

Just Jot It January 16th – What #SoCS

What is my purpose in life? I know, that’s a pretty grand concept But, that’s the first thought that came into my mind when i sat down with  this prompt. What is my purpose? What is my gift to the world? It’s something I’ve been pondering a lot lately.

If i was to die tomorrow, what would be my legacy? What would i leave behind for people to remember me? Will they remember me? Or would i just fade away…

What would people say about me? Would people stand in circles and whisper in hushed voices  at my funeral? What would they say? Would people smile fondly at my memory? What would people feel with my absence?

Would life go on turning, regardless. What happens next? How do my loved ones go on?

I know I am young. I have a lot of emotions and care and compassion. I do work in a rewarding field. But, staff there comes and goes. I know if i was to stop working for my program, a few months later I would be just be another person that once worked there, name forgotten.

And typically , I’m not one for recognition. I don’t like to stand out. I like to hold the spot light on others and wave the poms poms on the sidelines. So, it’s a struggle for me. I want to do great things. But, what great things, i cannot say. I haven’t the slightest clue to be honest.

I’ve been contemplating going back to school. Again, what field? To pursue what? General degree? That seems like a waste of time. I haven’t found that one purpose yet. I have goals and aspirations but towards nothing in particular. I can’t seem to “figure it out”.

And i don’t want to waste my youth. I don’t want to waste my emotions. I fear that my talents, whatever they may be cause I have no idea, are withering away without me ever using them.

Maybe, I’m put on this earth for a reason. I feel like i keep walking in circles and missing the sign with the arrow that says THIS WAY!

These are the thoughts that plague me. What impact I have on people, on life, on the world. Am I wasting time? What should I be doing?

Does my existence matter?

And if it does, to whom?